


walk these streets with me.

by uselace



Series: beginnings & endings, with a little bit of in-between [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Krashlyn - Freeform, a lot of angst also, just a lot of preath, like a lot of it, moral of the story is i need help, preath being cute as hell, slow-burn kind of, there's no ship name for sue and megan but there should be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 38,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22127098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselace/pseuds/uselace
Summary: "Tobin doesn’t quite know what to make of the green-eyed woman in front of her. She’s never been one to catch feelings at first sight, always been guarded, but this… well, this is the opposite. Tobin is usually fidgety, but she’s at an all-time high as the woman stares at her."a.k.a.Tobin moves to Seattle for a job at the UW, where she re-unites with an old childhood friend. (spoiler alert: it's christen.) Fluff and angst ensue.
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger, Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Sue Bird/Megan Rapinoe, Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Series: beginnings & endings, with a little bit of in-between [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692694
Comments: 131
Kudos: 580





	1. i just wanna tell you that you're really, pretty girl.

**Author's Note:**

> song for the first chapter is Pretty Girl by Hayley Kiyoko.
> 
> pretty much unedited, so all typos are my own. thanks for reading, also comment maybe. it's up to you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tobin doesn’t quite know what to make of the green-eyed woman in front of her. She’s never been one to catch feelings at first sight, always been guarded, but this… well, this is the opposite. Tobin is usually fidgety, but she’s at an all-time high as the woman stares at her."
> 
> a.k.a.  
> Tobin moves to Seattle for a job at the UW, where she re-unites with an old childhood friend. (spoiler alert: it's christen.) Fluff and angst ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for the first chapter is Pretty Girl by Hayley Kiyoko.
> 
> pretty much unedited, so all typos are my own. thanks for reading, also comment maybe. it's up to you.

The first thing Christen notices is the fidgeting. It’s incessant, takes her attention away from whatever her boss is saying as he gestures toward the woman before her. 

“...Tobin just moved here from Portland, so I was hoping you could show her the ropes until she gets settled.” And it takes Christen a minute to realize that she’s supposed to answer, because she’s still focused on eyes and hair and skin and God, teeth poking out biting her lip—and now Christen is sure that she must look insane, because  _ breathe just breathe and answer _ is on repeat but she still hasn’t said anything. 

Suddenly, though, she’s jolted out of it, this trance, whatever it is, by skin, and it takes longer than it should for it to click that they’re shaking hands and this is normal everything is normal. She’s never been more grateful for autopilot in her life, because somehow she’s agreed, is stumbling through a conversation with this woman (Tobin?) stuttering out words that her brain has yet to process. But she must be doing okay, because Tobin is smiling and not in that pitying way, either, and Christen instantly knows that she wants to see more of it, wants to see more of this woman. 

Tobin is stepping back though, and Christen almost-but-not-quite misses the way she’s taking deep breaths (as if to calm herself, Christen’s brain fills in). Christen lets herself hope for just a moment that she’s having the same effect on Tobin that the other woman is having on her; that hope evaporates as soon as Tobin takes another step back and effectively separates herself from Christen. She hopes that Tobin can’t see the disappointment in her eyes.

“Um, do you think you could maybe show me around a bit when we’re finished her?” Tobin is biting her lip again when she finishes the question, and it may take Christen a minute longer to process the words but  _ really, you can’t blame me _ she thinks.

Maybe it’s the lip biting, maybe it’s the way Tobin’s hands brush up through her hair while she’s waiting for a response, but Christen doesn’t quite know what possesses her to respond the way she does. “Of course, it’s a date!” Her cursed words are followed by silence and blood rushing to her cheeks, and she has to take a moment to stare at the floor just to rid her mind of Tobin and feelings and Tobin. 

She still doesn’t miss the hitch in Tobin’s breath when her eyes meet Christen’s, though, and Christen decides that she has never been so fucking confused in her life. 

… 

Tobin doesn’t quite know what to make of the green-eyed woman in front of her. She’s never been one to catch feelings at first sight, always been guarded, but this… well, this is the opposite. Tobin is usually fidgety, but she’s at an all-time high as the woman stares at her. At some point she must have stuck out her hand, because green eyes are still focused on hers but now they’re touching and it’s all Tobin can focus on as her hand moves on autopilot. Tension is thick in the air until the other woman clears her throat and finally, finally introduces herself. 

And Tobin knows she’s absolutely screwed, because her voice is beautiful and she just wants to know this woman, spend all her time with her. Tobin finds out her name is Christen, and she can barely stop to think about the pretty name because she’s still fixated on her eyes, her hair,  _ her _ , until she nervously laughs and Tobin realizes she should be doing something instead of standing there like an idiot. 

They must both realize they’re still holding hands at the same instant, because they both startle and pull back like they’ve been shocked. Really, Tobin is a little bit shocked; she can’t believe how much she wants to know this woman. Know her, make her laugh, just maybe kiss her and  _ fuck  _ she really can’t be thinking that (not right now), because Christen is her coworker and God she just doesn’t want to screw this up. 

So she steps back, takes a deep breath. She must have started smiling at some point, because her cheeks feel tight, but it’s more than okay because Christen is smiling too,  _ and it’s fucking gorgeous _ . And maybe that scares Tobin a little bit, scares her how quickly she’s become attracted to the other woman, because she takes another step back. There’s a question in Christen’s eyes, now, and Tobin just wants it to go away so she opens her mouth. And nothing comes out, until something does (“Um, do you think you could maybe show me around a bit when we’re finished here?”) and she wishes she could take it back. It’s not that she doesn’t want to spend time with Christen, or that she doesn’t like the woman; in fact it’s quite the opposite. She is so entirely enthralled with emerald eyes in front of her that Tobin just doesn’t trust herself to not fuck it up in some way.

But suddenly Christen is talking again, and Tobin immediately tunes in because she could listen to that voice all day. “Of course, it’s a date!” At that Tobin’s eyes flick to the ceiling lights just so she can focus on something other than the heat rising in her cheeks. (What she misses is Christen’s cheeks glowing the same shade of pink, Christen’s eyes going to the floor as she curses herself.) When Tobin finally looks back at Christen, she has to catch her breath all over again, remind herself that coworkers are off limits. 

Feelings may be coming, but Tobin is fucking determined not to catch them. 


	2. take me away, sunray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen and Tobin get coffee and talk about hometowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter is Lover Boy by Phum Viphurit. 
> 
> once again, all typos are my own. i really appreciate the kudos/comments, so keep em coming maybe. not super sure how i feel about this chapter so let me know ??? i am tired

The rest of the day seems to drone on without Christen. Tobin generally likes work, has in fact been described as a workaholic, but she can’t seem to keep her mind off of the other woman (who, fun fact, sits in a cubicle/office/workspace just across the room from Tobin). It’s safe to say that Tobin has taken a very generous amount of coffee breaks, which is not a good idea because now she is both hopped up on caffeine and very nervous about spending even five minutes outside of work with her beautiful coworker.

Christen, on the other hand, seems to have no problem focusing, as Tobin has seen every time she walks past the other woman to get to the coffee table. Tobin gets smiles and sometimes waves, though, which somehow only serve to inflame her nerves about that night. She doesn’t let herself feel disappointed that Christen is able to focus on her work, doesn’t let herself hope that maybe the other woman might feel the same way. Instead, Tobin pushes ahead, trying (and failing) to keep her mind off of the woman seated by the coffee table. 

It’s only when lunch rolls around that Tobin realizes that she doesn’t have anything to eat, and being new to Seattle, has no idea where she should go out to get a bite. But Christen is there, of course, smiling and wearing a jacket now. “Wanna walk over to a good coffee place with me?”

Tobin finds herself nodding despite the fact that she barely heard Christen and all too soon they’re walking out of the building’s warmth and into a light drizzle, typical Seattle weather and the kind that Tobin really wasn’t looking forward to. She can’t hide a shiver as her body adjusts, and Christen laughs as she offers her an umbrella. Tobin takes it but insists that Christen stand under it with her, a fact she immediately regrets when she realizes that she is now in very close proximity to the other woman. 

“Not used to the weather, huh?” Christen’s tone is teasing and Tobin feels it all through her body, but she shakes it off and forces herself to focus on clear green eyes. 

“Never. I grew up in California, so the rain isn’t really new but the cold is,” Tobin laments. Her umbrella-mate just laughs, a sound Tobin can never hear enough of, and she congratulates herself on pulling the laugh out of the other woman. 

“Same here.” And Tobin wants to talk more about it, because she’s never really met someone else from Cali this far up north, but before she can get the words out Christen’s hand is on a doorknob and she’s opening the door to a small coffee shop. A ringing bell ushers them in and Tobin sighs as she shakes off the umbrella and absorbs the heat from the small space. 

Tobin and Christen get in the line to order, but before Tobin can decide what she wants Christen is nudging her and whispering, “Do you mind if I get something for you? Trust me, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been here a million times,” and Tobin concedes and retires to a nearby table to watch Christen. She’s friendly with the cashier, laughing and smiling, and Tobin notices an ache in her chest, a desperate want to see more of the woman she’s watching, more of her smile. 

All too soon, or maybe not soon enough, Christen is walking back over to where Tobin is sitting, arms full of what look like various scones and maybe a salad or two. She sits and starts spreading out the food, pointing out her favorites, but all Tobin can focus on is how animated she is when she talks, how excited she gets. Instead of interrupting, Tobin just sits by, listening and sampling some of the scones until Christen slows down and asks, “So where in California are you from?”

“Actually from around the Oakland area, which is where I grew up, but then I moved before my senior year closer to Palo Alto.” Christen winces in response to the moving story, but then her eyes widen in what you might think is recognition ( _ but it isn’t,  _ Tobin tells herself.  _ It can’t be _ ).

“Holy shit. Is your last name Heath? You were on the soccer team in Oakland?” Now Tobin knows she must have the same look that Christen just had, because it's dawned on her that  _ she is sitting across from Christen  _ Fucking  _ Press. Christen, her best friend of forever.  _ The other woman laughs and settles back in her chair, taking in Tobin. “You look really different. Like, not in a bad way, just, wow.” Tobin is laughing, too now, can’t believe that this is where she ended up. “How was senior year? You have to fill me in on all the details.”

Tobin has never been one to disappoint, so she obliges. “Well, senior year was pretty boring. The move kind of fucked with my soccer, so I didn’t get any offers for college and I ended up joining the army to help pay for it.” At this Christen’s expression morphs into shock, but Tobin is quick to console her. “Don’t worry, I was trained as a medic. I was actually part of the humanitarian relief unit, so we toured around for a while and just helped out after disasters, sometimes bombings, that kind of thing. After I got out I ended up moving up to Portland and getting a master’s in psychology, then I was a therapist for a while, but I got a job offer up here that I couldn’t resist. And here we are.”

Tobin crosses her legs, mirroring Christen, who stays silent for a while. “Wow”, she finally says after processing everything.

“What about you?” 

“Definitely no army for me,” Christen chuckles. “I pretty much just played soccer for USC, got my degree, then moved around for a while and tried out a bunch of different cities. I guess Seattle was the one that I really fell in love with,” the woman says as she looks out the window at the still-falling rain. She suddenly looks back at Tobin, though, with an intensity that has goosebumps rising on Tobin’s arm. “Actually, that reminds me. Would you be okay grabbing dinner with me and some of my friends from the city after I give you the grand tour?” 

“Yeah, of course, I’ll look forward to it,” Tobin smiles. They sit and eat in silence after that, until Christen says something about going back and Tobin finding her way that she may not entirely hear because she’s too wrapped up in green eyes. 

After Christen leaves, Tobin takes a minute to settle her thoughts. She leans back in the chair, letting out a rush of breath.

If tonight is anything like a date, she is utterly fucked.


	3. while we sit and wait for time, to change our luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they go out to dinner!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm currently absolutely exhausted with finals coming up so once again not entirely sure how i feel about this one. would greatly appreciate it if someone lets me know it's not terrible lol. side note, you probably already guessed but i will not have any type of upload schedule besides a vague goal of two chapters a week. but also,,, basketball season is in full swing and i'm not trying to fail my finals so we'll see about that.
> 
> y'all know the drill, all typos are my own. hope you like it. 
> 
> song for this chapter is Catastrophize by Noah Kahan.

“Everyone, this is Tobin. Tobin, this is Ali, Ashlyn, Emily, and Kelley,” Christen says, pointing to each woman as she says their name. “Guys, Tobin just moved here and she needs friends, so don’t scare her off too quickly.” Out of the corner of her eye Christen can see Emily smirking at Kelley, though, and she knows she’ll need to make sure neither of them act completely insane.

“Um, hi, everyone.” Tobin steps forward. Christen notices that she’s fidgeting again, playing with her hands, and somehow she both hopes Tobin isn’t nervous and desperately hopes that Tobin is as nervous as she is (which is _extremely_ ). The first thing she did when she got home after work was try on six different outfits, repeatedly text Kelley asking for advice, and then throw her phone at the wall as soon as her friend suggested she might have a crush.

Now Christen steps forward to meet Tobin, unconsciously touching her elbow to show her into the restaurant, and tries to stop all the blood rushing to her face when Tobin leans into the touch. The rest of her friends follow suit behind them.

It seems like no time at all passes before Tobin and her friends are all laughing together, being equally insane. Kelley and Emily have already related the story of their disaster wedding (a story Christen would be perfectly fine not reliving again), and everyone is talking about their hometowns. It’s then that Christen hears something suspicious from Tobin’s direction. She looks over immediately only to see Tobin midway through an embarrassing childhood story.

“...So then Chris tried to tackle _the same person again_ and went down super hard. And we’re all fairly sure she got a knee to the head or something, because she came to school the next day with a full-on black eye. She told everyone she got in a fight because she was too embarrassed to say she slipped.” The table is laughing uproariously, and Tobin is absolutely radiant, smiling like she just won a trophy. Christen thinks that she might let the other woman tell a million embarassing stories about her if it meant seeing that smile. Only much later does it register with Christen that Tobin reverted back to calling her her old nickname, (although in retrospect it’s a good thing; Christen would have tried to kiss her on the spot).

  
…

  
It’s dawning on Tobin that she had no reason to be nervous for the dinner except Christen’s presence. Her friends are great, especially the two she’s currently talking to. “So, when did you guys get married?” Tobin asks Kelley and Emily. When they both smirk at each other in a way that’s already familiar to her, Tobin knows that she’s in for a ride.  
“Dear Emily, would you care to tell Toby the story?” Tobin doesn’t miss the fact that they’ve already come up with a nickname for her, but she gets quickly distracted when Emily starts speaking.

“Why yes, Miss Kelley. We open on a warm Georgia day. I’m sitting at Waffle House, the perfect pre-wedding breakfast, with my beautiful fiancee, when I get a call from my parents that they have to take the cat to the vet and they might be late. I shrug it off. No big deal, everyone else will show. Around ten everything looks like it’s going smoothly. Kelley split off a while ago to get ready, and I’m looking for my dress when my twin sister walks in wearing it. Somehow she was mistaken for me and too awkward to correct them, but whatever. It’s all good until she turns around and there’s a bloodstain near the back and when I get a closer look she has a nasty fucking cut up her arm.

“So one of the bridesmaids is put in charge of driving her to the hospital and making sure it’s not infected or anything, which leaves me without a dress and down one person. The only problem is, there’s no chance I’m getting a new dress the day of my wedding. Me and another bridesmaid drive around for an hour before we give up. At that point we’re pretty much out of options and we end up at the nearest Value Village…”

Tobin starts to tune out the story, looking instead at Christen and her conversation with Ali and Ashlyn. When Christen glances over they catch each other’s eye and both smile, before Tobin breaks the eye contact and looks down at her food, blushing. She turns back to Emily, who is still telling the story.

“...And there I am, in a vampire dress on the altar, my parents are covered in cat vomit, we’re getting rained on, and Kelley is half-drunk and literally falls over halfway through her vows,” Emily says. When she feels a hand tapping her shoulder, though, Tobin is momentarily distracted again. She looks over at Christen, who’s pointing to a napkin partially covered in pasta sauce with a series of numbers scrawled on it.

Tobin knows she must be beaming, but for once she doesn’t care.

  
…

  
[Toby] at 10:41  
Hey, just wanted to say thanks for dinner  
I really appreciate it  
[Chris] at 10:45  
Anything for my old best friend :)  
Hope kelley and emily didn’t scare you off though  
[Toby] at 10:47  
Nah, i’m pretty hard to scare lol  
[Chris] at 10:50  
Good, i’m glad you had a good time  
Go to sleep though second day of work tomorrow !!  
[Toby] at 10:55  
Goodnight chris  
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck [deleted]


	4. i got a heart that don't speak to me anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge, massive, ginormous Trigger Warning: mentions of past self-harm, lots of depression talk. if you're not in a great place, please please please do yourself a favor and skip it! i'm gonna put a lil blurb below this, so you won't be missing much.
> 
> anyway. this is the product of my midnight exhaustion and anxiety, so hope i don't sound insane. also, if by any chance there are more typos than usual that is probably why (i am so fucking tired ahhhhhhhh). otherwise the usual, feel free to comment, ect.
> 
> song: Empty by Kevin Abstract
> 
> summary for those of y'all who are feeling depresso and don't want to read the chapter:  
> Christen is having a bad night. They're fairly common, when you have chronic depression and all. For once, though, something distracts her, a text from Tobin. Tobin always seemed to know exactly how to cheer Christen up, and thankfully tonight is no different. They trade stories and somehow end up with Tobin sending dog videos and corgi butts, and Christen feels so much better. But maybe she gets greedy, and before she knows it Tobin is picking up her call. They talk more, but if Christen is being honest the only significant moment is when Tobin says, "I'm here now, and I'm with you," and Christen has to restrain herself from screaming because that just feels big, like a moment that should happen on top of a ferris wheel. It gets even bigger when Christen repeats it to Tobin, exposes herself. Strange how the most insignificant words can make a grown woman want to jump up and down sometimes.  
> *hope i didn't screw that up too badly.

Christen still has bad nights. And maybe there are less of them, now that she has friends that are basically a second family and she's found Tobin again. But they're still there. There are always nights where Christen needs someone to tell her it will be okay, still nights where she sits in bed and traces scars and cries about the prospect of feeling broken forever.

More than anything on those nights she wishes she could talk to someone, anyone. Because she loves her friends to death but if they didn't understand it would shatter what little she has put together right now. And Tobin, god. Tobin used to be her go-to, fifteen years ago. Now, though, they're old, and Tobin might not remember the days in high school that Christen would call her at midnight, and what if it all scares her off?

So instead of talking, Christen sits in her bed or on the floor and stares at the ceiling. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she fucking sobs, and others she can't feel anything at all. It's exhausting.

Tonight is one of those nights when she’s numb. Her back is hurting because she’s been sitting against a wall, trying to get her breathing under control and outrun a panic attack. It feels like she’s been on the edge of a cliff all day, and when she got home the door closing her off from the world just knocked the breath out of her and she stumbled and now she’s hanging on to the edge for dear life.

Her phone buzzes unexpectedly before she can let go of the edge, though, and Christen welcomes the distraction. It’s Tobin, because of course it’s Tobin, right when Christen needs her.

[Toby] at 10:00  
Hey

[Chris] at 10:01  
Hi

[Toby] at 10:03  
How’s it going?

Maybe Christen is just especially vulnerable right now, in her broken-down state, but something in her cracks for the final time and before she can really think about it, she’s sent a chain of texts to Tobin.

[Chris] at 10:05  
You know that time i went to the doctor junior year  
And i went to ur house straight after  
We practiced for a hella long time and then went up on ur roof and looked at the stars and i almost fell  
I told u i wanted an escape  
Could kinda use that tonight lol

[Toby] at 10:12  
How could i forget  
Something wrong?

[Chris] at 10:14  
Not really, just  
I went to the doctor again a couple years ago  
They diagnosed me with depression,  
Said it’s chronic  
Sometimes i just can’t deal with it like normal

[Toby] at 10:16  
Well, i know we’ve never really talked about it much before  
But i’m always here for you  
Hope you know that

[Chris] at 10:18  
Thanks :)

[Toby] at 10:20  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRMK77NUsyU

Christen clicks on the link, and starts laughing (something she hasn’t done yet today) the minute she sees the title, because it is something so incredibly _Tobin_ that she doesn’t even have words to describe it. But, as the title promised, she gets very close to crying with laughter. Of course, that requires her to ignore the ache in her chest that has started up again, something that is entirely different than the ache of numbness because now it’s an ache caused by _too much_ , by a longing to see Tobin and listen to her voice and just hug her until all of this has sorted itself out.

She sighs and clicks out of the video, waiting for another text from Tobin. Sure enough, she delivers, sending a string of weird GIFs and corgi pictures.

[Chris] at 10:31  
I see high school tobin peeking out

[Toby] at 10:32  
You know you missed her

[Chris] at 10:32  
Not gonna lie i did a lil bit  
Hard not to, you were so fucking weird

[Toby] at 10:33  
You loved it tho

[Chris] at 10:35  
Got me there

[Toby] at 10:36  
Yesssssssss i win

And before Christen fully realizes what she’s doing, her phone is to her ear and there’s a click from the speaker and Tobin is clearing her throat on the other end and it’s all roughness and just what Christen needed. “Hi,” she says quietly.

“Hi,” Tobin repeats back, her voice gravelly. “How are you feeling now?”

Christen has to squeeze her eyes shut for a minute to keep from breaking, because it feels like it’s been so fucking long since someone asked her that. “Better. I think the video was really what did it. Might as well be cured now.”

Tobin laughs through the speaker. “There should really be a disclaimer on it. Like, ‘warning, will cure anything’. I’m pretty sure once I had a fever and then I watched that and was fine afterwards,” she jokes from the other end, and Christen can’t stop another laugh from escaping. Somehow she always laughs more around Tobin.

“Hey, I’m sorry about this. I know we just found each other again, and you probably think I’m insane right about now—”

“Chris, what the hell are you talking about?” Christen has to catch her breath before she can talk again, because now she can’t stop thinking about how unstable she must seem and suddenly the cliff is back again with her teetering on the edge.

“I don’t know,” she admits. “I just don’t want to scare you off.”

Tobin is quiet for a minute, and Christen thinks that she might be going a little bit crazy. “Look, if anyone was going to scare me off it would’ve been Kelley,” the other woman jokes. “For real though. I know that we have a lot to catch up on. I know that better than anyone. But I want to do it, more than anything. I’m here now, and I’m with you, and if we could make it work in high school when we were both insane then I think we have a pretty solid chance as adults.”

Christen knows that Tobin was talking about a city, about friendship. But something inside her desperately wants to read into that, wants to ask Tobin what she really means and if she feels the same way.

She doesn’t ask any of that, of course, but the temptation is definitely there. Instead, she settles for “Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m here too, you know. I’m with you too.” And it’s barely a declaration, barely anything; Tobin probably doesn’t even notice the way Christen’s voice shakes just the tiniest bit when she says it. But somehow it feels like just enough all the same.

And when Tobin replies, “I know,” it feels monumental in all the right ways.

When Tobin hangs up after nearly an hour, Christen rewatches the dog video. That night, she sleeps the best she has in months.


	5. you know you're a star, know you're a star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter is Girl by Alexander 23. 
> 
> sorry about the delay, but finals week is over and i know for sure i passed most of them so it should be getting back on track again soon. lil disclaimer here: this is mostly filler and if it seems disconnected at all, that's because i wrote half of it during the week and the other half today. gonna try to have the next chapter up in a couple days, but we'll see about that. 
> 
> y'all know the deal with typos and shit. i'm v insecure and need validation, so comment if you're in the mood. i realize i haven't said this before, but thank you for all the kudos, and for those of you who take the time to comment i really do appreciate it. hope everyone enjoys and it's not too much of a mess :)

When Tobin walks into work after staying up until midnight talking to Christen, she isn’t entirely sure how to feel. She has to teach a class today, but her brain is so scattered from everything that there’s no guarantee she won’t collapse on the lectern. On top of that, she has yet to find an actual apartment and is still living out of a motel (which, she learned last night when someone repeatedly knocked on her window, might quickly get dicey).

All of that results in Tobin running directly into the person she’s trying to figure out. Christen stumbles back a little and apologizes, but when she looks up sees Tobin her eyes widen and she maybe gets a little red. Tobin is engulfing her in a hug before she knows it, and it seems like they’re both surprised by it, but it’s welcome.

When they separate, Christen is most definitely blushing, and she looks up at the ceiling for a while before speaking. “Hey, um, thanks for last night. Sorry again if that was weird at all for you.” Tobin wants to slap her and hug her at the same time, because she’s being so stupid but she could never hurt the other woman.

“If you apologize one more time I’m buying you lunch,” Tobin says as a compromise. If she knows anything about Christen, it’s that she hates letting people pay for her. And sure enough, Christen heavily protests that.

“But—” green eyes meet Tobin’s as Christen tries to get out of the threat, but Tobin just smiles and walks away.  
“No more buts. I expect to see you at lunch,” she calls out behind her.

Two hours later, Tobin is wrapping up her lecture when she spots Christen hovering at the back of the room. She’s in a good mood that only gets better when she sees the green-eyed woman; her class went well and as usual she loves talking about psychology. Tobin leaves a good twenty minutes after she finishes to field questions about the talk and about the paper she’s assigned, but lucky for her there are fewer questions than usual and in less than ten minutes she’s once again standing next to Christen.

“Hey,” the other woman says, smiling shyly.

“Hi,” Tobin replies as she packs up her things. There’s a solid moment where they’re staring into each other’s eyes, and it feels like something in a way that reminds Tobin of the previous night and the assurances they both spoke (assurances that most definitely felt like more). Eventually, though, Tobin has to break the staring to put her laptop in its case, and the moment is lost, to both parties’ disappointment.

“That was really interesting. You seem like you’re really passionate about what you teach,” Christen says as the two women walk out of the school of medicine. Tobin can’t stop the smile creeping onto her face as she acknowledges Christen’s comment.

“I’m glad it was interesting. That’s always a concern with overworked medical students, but nobody’s fallen asleep yet so hopefully that’s a good sign,” Tobin laughs. “It’s been a bit of an adjustment since I haven’t taught much before, but I do really like psychology. I actually have a doctorate in neuropsychology, so I’ll have you know that the proper way to reference me is Doctor Heath.”

Christen takes a minute to reply, and Tobin tries to get a read on what she’s thinking but comes away with nothing except that just maybe the other woman is blushing a bit. Finally, the other woman breaks the silence when she says, “I could never teach, honestly. I think I would probably faint of fear before I got a sentence out.”

Tobin can’t help but laugh, mostly because that was her exact line of thinking just hours before. “I think you would be a way better teacher than you give yourself credit for,” she says quietly. She says it partly because she knows how anxiety fucks with people’s minds (both in a medical and personal sense), but also because she can’t help but think that Christen is amazing and would probably be fantastic as whatever she chose to try.

The green-eyed woman is quiet again, so much so that for a minute Tobin thinks maybe she overstepped. But when Christen stops walking suddenly, it’s not to give her a talking to like Tobin thought. Instead it’s to give Tobin a hug, something that takes Tobin completely by surprise but is entirely welcome.

…

When Christen comes away from hugging Tobin, her first thought is that she should definitely do that a lot more often. It’s the closest she’s been to her high school best friend since, well, high school, and Tobin may not have seen any action in the army but she sure did get a lot more muscular. Christen has to resist the urge to keep hanging on, her mind telling her two very different things (one side saying that this is weird, the other telling Christen that she feels so safe and good that nothing could possibly go wrong).

As usual, though, the logical side of her brain wins. It’s something that’s both a blessing and a curse, although Christen is leaning toward the curse side of the scale when she separates herself from Tobin. They take a minute to smile at each other and seemingly just soak everything in, a moment in which Christen marvels not for the first time how incredibly lucky she is to have found Tobin again.

The moment ends seemingly as soon as it started, and Christen’s body is walking down the street on autopilot before her brain has fully registered what just happened. When she steals a glance at Tobin, the other woman has what might be a tint of red on her cheeks and a slightly lost look in her eyes; Christen is usually good at controlling where her mind goes after years of meditation, but with Tobin it’s always straight to her soft-looking skin and strong arms and hugs that wrap around Christen like a blanket burrito.

Christen just hopes she can make it through lunch without making herself look like a complete fool.


	6. i'm ready to fall in love again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback bitches!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter is Fall by Sasha Sloan. 
> 
> bit of a longer chapter today. actually feeling kind of good about this, so hopefully i didn't fuck it up too badly. flashback time!!!!!! also a big(ish) reveal but i shan't spoil it. 
> 
> as usual, typos are my own, feel free to comment (i really appreciate it).

July 14th, 2005 is quite possibly shaping up to be the worst day of Tobin Heath's life.

The boxes are packed and trucks being loaded, and all she can do is watch as the Oakland sun sinks lower in the sky and her minutes left with Christen grow shorter. 

Neither of the teenagers have cried yet, maybe because neither of them have fully realized the impact this day could have. Instead, they kick a soccer ball back and forth inside Tobin’s childhood home, now that nobody can yell at them about breaking something. The tension between them seems to grow with the shadows, because maybe both of them know that this is the last chance they’ll get to act on what they’ve wanted forever. But they let the tension grow unchecked, choosing to relive their favorite soccer games and talk about the worst teachers they had.

When all is said and done, and Tobin’s life is secure underneath cardboard, the two girls are sitting in a truck bed. The air is heavy around them, but with legs swinging and knees touching they refuse to acknowledge the enormity of the moment; for all either of them know, this is the last time they’ll see each other before they’re lost. 

Tobin breaks the silence first, pointing at the oranges and pinks that signal an approaching night. “My last Oakland sunset,” she whispers, but it seems to be crushed by the air around her. Christen just hums and nudges Tobin, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I can’t believe it,” she vocalizes, and her voice cracks the tiniest bit (even though she’ll never admit it). It’s the first time either of them have put into the universe that Tobin is really leaving, and it quickly takes its toll. They’re both sniffling within moments, then laughing at the synchronicity they might never see again. “We’re a mess,” Christen says, and Tobin can’t tell if she’s crying or laughing, but it seems like a little bit of both. 

“It’s our mess, though.” She leans back as she says it, bringing back an old line they used to use with the team. Christen blows her nose and nods in agreement, smiling at the nostalgia attached to the phrase. Tobin almost doesn’t notice the way their legs have inched closer or the steel in Christen’s eyes that appears when she needs to be brave, but at the last minute she catches it.

And then Christen’s hand is in her hair, brushing back a flyaway, and Tobin is holding her breath, and her lifelong best friend is whispering the words they’ve both wanted to hear since years ago. “Can I kiss you?” 

Tobin tries to speak unsuccessfully before she realizes that she has to start breathing again, so she lets out the breath and starts over. “Holy shit, yes, Chris,” she almost gasps, and then lips are on hers and Christen tastes sweet, like the cherry chapstick she’s so attached to, and it’s something that Tobin has wondered about forever. At first Tobin is so in shock that she can’t seem to move, and Christen is pulling back with panic in her eyes, but then Tobin’s hand is on her neck and Christen is cupping her cheek and they’re making out in a random mover’s truck, making up for lost time. Tobin can’t stop herself from smiling into Christen’s lips, and pretty soon Christen can’t stop the grin that follows, and it’s all clacking teeth and they’re forced to separate. Foreheads together, breathing the same sticky California July air, they both laugh, and finally the tear tracks have gone dry. 

“I think I’ve dreamed about that forever,” Christen says into the silence.

“Me too,” Tobin admits. They lace their fingers together between their legs and watch the sunset for a while, content to touch and let the knowledge that they finally took the leap stay heavy between them. 

Eventually, though, all things have to separate, and Tobin and Christen’s hands separate for the last time when Tobin is called to her family’s car, framed by the setting sun. They kiss again behind the truck, slower than the first time and a bit more salty, and then hug until Tobin is being yelled at from the car.

They say they’ll text every day. But maybe it’s the knowledge that she’ll never be able to see through what she had with Christen that gets to Tobin first, because after a few weeks she stops replying nearly as much. And then, after several failed attempts to hang out, Christen stops texting, and their numbers melt away into a sea of other people that both have encountered. 

Once, in the humanitarian corps, Tobin did see some action. The team was helping with cleanup in a small California town that had been devastated by an earthquake, and while Tobin was building a wall, a nearby crane malfunctioned and dropped its load. The doctor said that Tobin got lucky to survive with all her limbs, even though her arm had nearly been crushed. 

The minute she was able to text, Tobin found Christen’s old number, because she had realized in that moment that she was fucking terrified of death and needed something familiar.

Christen’s number had long been deactivated, and with Tobin’s hopes of comfortable nostalgia dashed, she deleted the contact once and for all. 

She was scared of dying, but the fact that she might never see Christen again scared her more.

… 

Looking back, Christen wonders if Tobin remembers the day she moved, remembers how they smiled into each other's lips and promised to keep in touch. Even now, Christen remembers that sunset (but refuses to admit to herself that she only remembers because it felt like her last Oakland sunset, too). 

Tobin’s footsteps as she walks up to the table shake Christen out of her memories. She has to remind herself that the kiss was over a decade ago, when they both had a lot more time and a lot less to lose. She chooses to focus on the food in Tobin’s hands to distract her from the fuzzy memory of Tobin’s lips, her smile as they were touching foreheads. 

“Okay, so I obviously haven’t been here but Yelp said it was pretty good,” Tobin announces as she sits down next to Christen. It certainly smells good, and Christen can hear her stomach rumble in response to how delicious everything looks. “Aha!” the yell nearly startles Christen out of her seat, and she has to take a minute to start breathing normally before she can meet Tobin’s gaze. “I knew you weren’t eating enough,” the other woman says softly.

Her eyes focused on Christen is almost too much, because in all honesty nobody has paid that much attention to Christen in a very long time, and it’s a bit overwhelming and something Christen craves at the same time. 

“This half is for you,” Tobin says as she shoves way more than half the plates to Christen’s side of the table. As soon as Christen opens her mouth, Tobin cuts her off, saying, “no arguing. If you don’t take care of yourself you can sure as hell bet that I will. So eat.”

Christen doesn’t fight much, and starts to dig in. Just as she guessed, everything is amazing, but she can’t ignore the feeling of Tobin watching her, making sure that she gets enough nutrition. It becomes harder to eat as a warm feeling envelops her stomach, compelling her to sit back and talk to the woman next to her. 

“What was the most exciting thing that happened between high school and Seattle? Oh, and what was the scariest?” Christen is excited to catch up with Tobin, and she figures that what her friends call “highlights” is probably the easiest way to do it in their lunch break. 

Tobin has to think for a minute, and Christen doesn’t even try to stop herself from staring (it’s pretty much a lost cause at this point). “Hmmm, well most exciting was probably when I got my first apartment in Portland and adopted a dog.” Tobin must see Christen snickering, because she’s quick to defend her answer. “Hey, we didn’t all play college soccer. It was just…” she gestures vaguely, clearly trying to put together her thoughts. “It was the first time I was really on my own, and then Moose was just a really good dog.” Christen just nods, waiting for the second part of Tobin’s answer. 

“The scariest was probably when a crane broke and dropped all its shit and I almost died,” Tobin says nonchalantly. Christen is so surprised by the answer that she nearly doesn’t see the faraway look in Tobin’s eyes that accompanies the story. She must be opening and closing her mouth like an idiot, but Tobin doesn’t seem to mind and settles back into her seat. “I mean, I survived, and I wasn’t traumatized or anything other than a fear of cranes, so it’s whatever.”

“Tobin— you don’t get to say ‘whatever’ about almost dying!” Christen sputters. The other woman still has that faraway look, though, and Christen’s argument dies in the back of her throat when Tobin focuses back on her. 

“Hey, um… while we’re here I just wanted to say sorry I wasn’t better at keeping in touch. I know I was the one who dropped the ball on that,” the woman says sheepishly as she rubs the back of her neck, a nervous habit Christen memorized the motions of years ago. “Just… I wish I had done better.” Tobin’s eyes seem to be boring into Christen’s soul, and she just knows that Tobin means something more; for the life of her, though, Christen can’t figure out what the fuck it is. 

“You’re here now, though, aren’t you?” Christen replies.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am, and I plan on staying so you’re pretty much stuck with me,” Tobin grins. 

Christen notices the other woman’s knee against hers, and she can’t help but think that maybe (just maybe) this is her chance at a redo of that Oakland sunset, and all that comes after.


	7. as long as our hearts can battle scars and put up a fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our favorite gays take a field trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter is The Kids are Alright by Tate McRae.
> 
> kind of a shorter, lighter chapter today. let me know how you feel about (please), and as usual typos are all my own. thanks for all the comments so far! if there's anything you want to see, feel free to comment, because i'm basically making up the plot as i write. 
> 
> on a side note: i have another chapter written already, but it is very angsty and sad, and definitely the heaviest chapter you would see in this so far. would y'all want to read that? i'm going back and forth on posting it or not, and i'm very indecisive, so some help would be great. (let me know).

[Toby] at 11:01  
Yo are you doing anything after work

Christen glances across the room after she gets the text from Tobin, who is clearly just hitting random keys on her keyboard and not actually working.

[Chris] at 11:03  
No why

[Toby] at 11:04  
Can we please please please go to the aquarium after work

This time, Tobin is grinning back at her when Christen looks up. She wiggles her eyebrows and Christen laughs, rolling her eyes and going back to work (except now she’s doing the same thing Tobin was, filling out a random spreadsheet and waiting for her phone to vibrate again—and vibrate it does).

[Toby] at 11:07  
Christen  
Christen  
Chris  
Chrissy  
Please  
I want to see fish  
It’ll be like the aquarium of the bay  
Fish :((((  
Christen

After it becomes extremely clear that Tobin is dead-set on neither of them working until Christen agrees to the aquarium, green eyes find Tobin’s. “Yes,” Christen mouths across the room, and Tobin stares at her in surprise for a minute before she starts punching the air in celebration. The movements only end when Tobin gets a little too violent and knocks her mouse off the desk, creating a noise that makes everyone look up. She smiles sheepishly and returns to staring at her phone.

[Toby] at 11:15  
Can em and kelley come :)

And of course Emily and Kelley put Tobin up to this, because Christen hasn’t seen her this excited since they lost touch, but the married couple tends to make people a little bit more crazy. Christen laughs to herself before pressing send on her response.

[Chris] at 11:17  
Yes

[Toby] at 11:17  
YESYESYESYESYESYESYES

Christen pulls up the aquarium website on her computer. She doesn’t trust any of the other three to buy tickets without getting ripped off or completely distracted (a totally justified lack of trust, after Emily ordered a 100-pound bag of gummy bears the last time she was put in charge of buying concert tickets for the group).

Tobin, meanwhile, is suspiciously quiet on the other side of the office. Christen finds herself staring, trying to decipher the look in the woman’s eyes. She gets nowhere, though, and even though she would like to keep staring, she pulls up her conversation and texts Tobin again.

[Chris] at 11:25  
Hope you’re ready to see some fish :)

By the time Christen has shepherded her three companions to the aquarium doors later that day, she’s been forced to buy them all ice cream, an oversized shirt with a squirrel pun on it for Kelley, a mini Seattle Reign pride flag for Tobin, and a giant stuffed sloth for Emily. Christen can feel her wallet crying for help, and they haven’t even hit the aquarium gift shop yet (knowing this group, shit will go down).

Despite the fact that Christen is actively going broke, she finds herself laughing more than usual. Being with Kelley and Emily is always a good time, even if she goes a little insane by the end of it, but with Tobin there… with Tobin there, everything feels a little lighter. The other woman makes it easier for Christen to laugh, and it’s no exaggeration when Christen says that Tobin’s smile lights up the room.

They’re halfway through the aquarium when Tobin goes to the bathroom and Christen suddenly finds herself cornered by the other two women. “What’s going on with you and Tobin?” Kelley asks with narrowed eyes, and even though Christen desperately tries not to, she can feel blood rising to her cheeks at the question. Emily is just standing behind her wife, smirking, and Christen knows there’s no escaping the married couple when they’re like this.

“Nothing,” Christen says. And it’s not a lie. Even with their history, history that Tobin might not even remember, nothing has happened between them (even if Christen wishes that something would).

“How about a different question, then?” Emily cuts in. Usually it’s a blessing that she’s slightly more sane than Kelley, but Christen gets the feeling that in this instance it will be a curse. “Do you want something to happen with Tobin?”

And Christen has never been good at hiding any part of her emotions, so when her cheeks get even warmer and her breath speeds up a bit, she knows that she’s been made. Kelley softens almost immediately, rubbing her arm affectionately. “We get it, kiddo. Em was pining for me for years before she finally got the balls to make a move.”

(“ _Not_ true,” Emily mutters behind Kelley, scowling slightly.)

“The point is, we got you. Tobin—” Kelley is clearly about to blurt something out, but stops when Emily punches her on the arm and clears her throat instead. “Tobin is great. And super gay, so at least it’s not another straight girl crush.” Christen knows there was something more to what the shorter woman was going to say, but Tobin walks into their little circle before she can force Kelley to talk.

For the rest of the day, all Christen can think about is how Kelley was going to finish the sentence.

…

Tobin thinks nothing of it when she walks out of the bathroom and the other three women are gathered in a small circle. Or at least, she tries not to, but it’s somewhat difficult to keep her mind from wandering (especially when she heard her name as she was walking up, and Christen was flushed in a way that just made her more gorgeous).

It becomes even more difficult when Tobin suddenly remembers the last time she was at an aquarium. She curses her brain for bringing it up now, when she’s right next to Christen, but there it is, clear as day in her mind, and Tobin can’t stop the flush creeping up her neck.

The first time Tobin thought Christen might like her back was in sophomore year, when they went to the San Francisco aquarium together. The trip happened in August, after months of tension building between them, tension that Tobin wasn’t even sure Christen felt.

They had walked into the aquarium hand-in-hand, because both of them wanted to be close (but neither knew that they had the same reasons). Everything was fine until they found the jellyfish.

“They’re beautiful,” Tobin said quietly as she stared up at purple blobs.

“They really are,” Christen replied. Except when Tobin turned to look at her, green eyes met brown, and like a wall slamming into her Tobin realized that _Christen hadn’t been looking at the jellyfish._

Now, accompanied by two other people, the tension wasn’t nearly as thick as it had been that day in California. Even so, Tobin was sure it was still there, because if she was imagining all of this, Christen staring at her during the day and their confessions at night, then Tobin thought she might just go insane. She can’t be imagining the softness in Christen’s eyes, or the way the corners of her mouth tip up into a half-smile every time she sees Tobin. She just hopes that Christen sees the same things happening when Tobin sees her.

After they finish the aquarium, Tobin finds herself in a corner of the gift shop with Kelley next to her. “If you don’t mind me asking, do you and Christen have a history at all?” the shorter woman questions.

“I—um, kind of?” Tobin stutters out, because she’s so surprised by the question that she can’t unscramble her brain enough to properly answer. (She didn’t think they were that obvious, especially since she doesn’t even know if Christen remembers what happened before the move.)

“Well, I’m not going to pry, but it’s pretty clear there’s something there. Now, should I make Christen buy me a narwhal, or an otter?”

Tobin is too distracted by the present-tense of Kelley’s reply to answer. Her eyes find Christen’s, who must have already been looking at her.

When Christen smiles, Tobin wonders if Kelley is right. _Is there something there? And even if there is, will either of them be able to act on it?_


	8. i lay in my room, wonderin' why i've got this life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first times, but not in the way you might think (two times they broke, and two times they were there for each other).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge big super TW: internalized homophobia, panic attacks, explicit self-harm, depression, lots of crying
> 
> please please please don't read this if you're in a bad place rn, as i did w/ the last heavy chapter there will be a summary below this. all typos are my own. this is definitely the heaviest chapter and the most angst so far, mostly because i really don't want to glamorize or romanticize self-harm or self-hatred. tried my best not to do that and this is what y'all get.
> 
> thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter to let me know if they wanted to see this one. song is Alewife by Clairo. 
> 
> Summary:  
> In freshman year, Tobin kisses a girl for the first time. At first, it's amazing, because she's kissing one of her best friends (Alex) who she's had a crush on forever. But then it sets in that she might be gay, even though everything in her is desperate to deny that fact. She ends up having a panic attack in a hotel room, with Christen there to guide her through it.  
> Christen first turns to self-harm when she's thirteen, and Tobin sees her scars that same year. Christen cries (a lot) and Tobin promises that no matter what her head tells her, Christen is worth it. They're just really good friends to each other.
> 
> gonna throw some hotlines down here  
> trevor project: 1-866-488-7386  
> self-harm hotline: 741741
> 
> stay safe, i love everyone reading this.

The first time Tobin kissed someone was in her freshman year of high school. It was complicated, and messier than she would ever have expected—mostly because that person was a girl. 

The soccer player had spent years pushing how she thought of her friends to the back of her mind because  _ every girl thinks their friends are pretty, every girl wants to hold hands with other girls sometimes.  _ And yes, maybe she focused a little too much on her teammates’ lips sometimes, maybe she stared at them (Christen in particular) a little too long. But it didn’t mean anything, because it couldn’t.

Tobin Heath was not gay.

She told herself that every time she looked in the mirror for months, ever since she had first noticed her glance flickering to other girls’ lips. And she believed it, at first. But then the team won a big game, a game that got them to state, and maybe they were all a little drunk on the victory. Everyone was a bit more giggly, Tobin included, and as the night went on everything was washed in the glow of having just played damn good soccer. For Tobin, at least, it felt a little bit perfect.

Looking back, Tobin realizes now that she’s had a bad habit of crushing on her friends. That particular night, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Alex Morgan. Alex, one of her best friends, whose hair looked so soft and her eyes so intense and really, all that was running through Tobin’s head was that she was  _ so fucking pretty _ . They were sitting next to each other while the team played card games (Tobin had tapped out as soon as Alex’s head dropped to her shoulder and the other girl started playing with her fingers, because she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate). 

After another half hour of laughing and cards, Alex got up and pulled Tobin with her, giving the excuse that they needed fresh air and to stretch their aching legs. Nobody noticed how Alex led Tobin with their connected hands, even though it was all Tobin could think about. 

They ended up sitting on a curb, hands still entwined, and even though Tobin saw that Alex’s eyes were a shade darker and focused on Tobin’s lips as she talked, she didn’t think anything of it. Until Alex was moving forward, stopping with her lips just centimeters from Tobin’s. 

“Is this okay?” the other girl breathed out, and Tobin had to take a minute to process what was happening and work out the jumble in her mind before she nodded because  _ Alex Fucking Morgan wanted to kiss her and holy shit holy shit holy shit.  _ Everything happened all at once, and suddenly Alex’s lips were on hers and they were so soft even after all the time the girl spent on the pitch; Tobin found herself extremely grateful that Alex had given her that moment to sort out her thoughts because otherwise she might have fainted. 

In the moment, Tobin was so caught up in kissing Alex that she didn’t quite register that Alex was a girl, that she was a girl kissing another girl. In the moment, the two girls sat on a curb in bad motel lighting and kissed each other.

After the fact, Tobin was an entirely different story. Because after Alex and Tobin separated and went up to join the other girls, after Alex kissed Tobin goodnight and they went to their respective rooms, after the novelty of winning had worn off, the reality of what had just happened slammed into Tobin. She was laying in bed, trying not to think about Alex, when her brain connected the dots and just like that she was having a panic attack.

Finally, it clicked for Tobin that she had kissed a girl (and liked it, maybe enough to consider never trying to kiss a guy). It clicked that maybe the kiss was what romance was supposed to feel like. Maybe what was wrong with the guys Tobin had gone on dates with wasn’t that they were boring, but the fact that they were guys. 

That fucking terrified Tobin. Lucky for her, it may have been her first kiss, but it wasn’t her first panic attack. And just like that, she was stuck in a spiral, trapped by her own brain. 

She couldn’t like girls. She was normal. She had long hair, and she didn’t particularly like flannel. What would happen if her parents found out she had kissed a girl? What would happen if the team found out? She couldn’t like girls. She wasn’t gay. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Tobin didn’t realize that she had woken up Christen, who was rooming with her, until arms were wrapping around her in a tight hug and a familiar voice was guiding her breathing. 

“In… and out. You’re gonna be okay,” the older forward said softly. “Just breathe.”

All that Tobin could seem to respond with was “fuckfuckfuck” over and over. Christen was there, though, comforting and something to cling on to when it felt like the world was slipping away. 

When Tobin could breathe again, the first thing she said was “I think I might be gay.” 

Christen just smoothed her hair over, gave her a damp washcloth to wipe the tears off her face (tears Tobin didn’t even realize she had been crying), and said “we’ll talk about it tomorrow, honey. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Tobin wasn’t quite sure she believed any of it, but she was so exhausted that she quickly fell asleep in Christen’s arms, letting the forward whisper assurances to her even as everything in the younger girl wanted to protest them. 

Late the next day, Tobin whispered the same confession to Alex in the back row of the bus they were taking home. Alex smiled and said that Tobin had all the time in the world to figure out what she was, that the kiss didn’t have to mean anything. 

Her friends had her back, and that was the last panic attack Tobin had for years. 

… 

The first time Christen took a razor to her skin was when she was thirteen.

Her brain had been screaming at her all day, and finally Christen broke down. She couldn’t fucking take it. 

So she found herself locked in a bathroom, staring at blood beading along her arm. It felt so good to finally have that release that she didn’t even quite fully realize what she was doing; just that  _ finally _ her mind had gone silent. She had found relief. 

It was scary how fast she adapted, how quickly she came to rely on that relief. She didn’t even notice that she was going deeper and deeper until someone else did. 

Tobin was the first person to notice, because of course she was. One day after soccer practice, Christen didn’t wait long enough for everyone to get out of the locker room so she could change. She was literally caught with her pants down when Tobin walked out of the bathroom, eyes widening almost comically (the most fucked up part was that Christen didn’t even know what Tobin was looking at, had to look down at her thighs and see the angry red lines before she knew that she had been made). Christen had been so fucking careful to not let anyone close enough to see what she had done, and now it all went to shit because she was too stupid to wait a few more minutes.

Christen didn’t even realize she had started crying until Tobin was guiding her to sit on a bench and handing her a tissue. She was choking back sobs until Tobin wrapped her in a hug and rubbed her back, and then she was full-on ugly crying in the high school locker room. 

Everything fell apart in that moment. All the walls that Christen had been so careful to maintain came crashing down around her, and standing in the rubble was Tobin. (It was always Tobin.) Christen felt like she was cracking through, about to shatter now that her walls weren’t there to protect her, and she couldn’t breath. 

Tobin just sat and held her, directing her breathing, until Christen calmed down enough that she could put her sweatpants on and cover up her cracks. Tears were still coming down her face, though, and she curled up into Tobin, clinging on for dear life lest she break more than she had already. Then the question came. “Why?” Tobin had whispered, just one word, but it felt like a bullet in the older girl’s heart because she hadn’t meant to hurt anyone else. She hadn’t meant for any of this to happen, hadn’t ever wanted to hear this heartbreak in her best friend’s voice. 

If Christen had thought she was done crying, she was dead wrong. Because in that moment, the sobs came back. She didn’t have an answer. She didn’t have a good reason to hurt the girl she had fallen in love with except that she was so fucking broken. “It hurts,” she choked out instead. “Everything hurts so bad, Tobin.” And even though her eyes hurt and a headache was developing, more tears kept coming. Christen sat up and wiped the continuing tears on Tobin’s sweatshirt that she hadn’t realized she had put on, because the younger forward deserved a better explanation (deserved better than her). 

Except Tobin beat her to it. “Chris, don’t. I shouldn’t have asked, you don’t need to explain anything to me. It just… I fucking hate seeing you do this to yourself.” Christen tries to say something, but Tobin just shushes her and pulls her back into a hug. “It’s okay, honey,” Tobin whispers, using the pet name they have for each other. “Look, I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m not going to say you have to stop, or tell me, or anything. Just please call me if you ever feel like you have to do this. 

“You think that nobody is here for you, Chris, but I am. I always will be. I’ll be here when you’re at the lowest, and I’ll be there when you’re climbing out. You know why?” Christen shakes her head and burrows into Tobin even more. “Because you’re worth it. I don’t give a shit what your brain tells you. You are so worth it for me, Chris. I won’t ever give up on you.”

Tobin lets her keep the sweatshirt. That night, when Christen’s cheeks are dry for the first time in hours and she’s uncurled from under her covers, she dials Tobin’s number.

She might have to rebuild everything, but for the first time she doesn’t feel like she’ll be doing it completely alone. 


	9. i just wanna know, baby how do you feel 'bout me getting lost with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)))))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Low Key by Hannie.
> 
> wrote this kinda fast, wanted to get it up cus it's been a minute. the usual, all typos are my own, pretty much unedited. i really hope you guys like this one. also, while we're here-what's everyone's opinion on the last chapter? looking back i don't think it fit in super well, honestly i might just take it out and rework some of it into other chapters to come or make it a oneshot. let me know. 
> 
> i appreciate any comments, enjoy!

After the field trip to the aquarium, something has changed between Tobin and Christen. Tobin can feel it in the way tension seems to cloud around them like the Seattle weather; in the way that now she notices herself blushing more often than not when she’s around Christen.

Lately the two have been staying up later and later, texting and sending memes back and forth. Unfortunately, as she gets closer to Christen, it’s like Kelley and Emily can sense it—they’re sharks circling around Tobin, just waiting until she cracks and tells them everything (even though she might like to, might like a second opinion, Tobin refuses to admit defeat to the two that she has come to know as gremlins). 

Tobin has fallen into a comfortable cycle in Seattle, the highlight of which is consistently Christen. Wednesdays and Fridays, Tobin has class, and they go out to eat afterwards. Every other day is work, which would be boring if not for notes passed and presents left on desks (Tobin’s favorite so far is a paperclip necklace with a sticky note pendant). Sometimes Christen invites her on a walk; these are Tobin’s absolute favorite, not in the least because Christen is someone that values time with herself and the fact that she lets Tobin be a part of that is huge.

She’s happy where she is. Tobin tells herself every time she notices the blushing, every time she fidgets around Christen. And she is. She’s happy in Seattle, with Christen and all of her friends. It’s just that her brain is always there to whisper  _ you could be so much happier _ .

But she’s happy, maybe for the first time in a long while, and that’s enough.

Today in particular Tobin has been smiling more. She woke up to texts from Christen, pictures of silly faces followed by too many emojis (typical sleep-deprived Christen behavior, she’s learned). The bus isn’t late for once, and her back isn’t sore from the motel bed that she’s still sleeping on. It’s a good day to be Tobin. 

The day only gets better when she gets to work, something she didn’t think she would ever say seriously. Christen is early as usual, and Tobin already has a present on her desk, a set of corgi butt sticky notes. She catches Christen’s attention by waving, and when the other woman meets her eyes they’re both smiling.

They continue on like that through the morning, occasionally meeting each other’s glances and leaving notes with smiley faces on them. Tobin has trained herself to keep the staring to a minimum, something she considers a huge accomplishment. After a while, though, the two fall into a kind of routine. Work, look up, work for another hour.

The next time Tobin looks up from her computer she startles when Christen is standing right in front of her, holding their jackets.

“Take a walk with me?” 

“Of course,” Tobin smiles as she grabs her coat out of the other woman’s hand and they embark to the stairs. The walk down is silent except for their feet clanking on the metal and Tobin repeatedly cracking her knuckles. It’s something she seems to be doing a lot around Christen, a nervous habit she picked up in the army that she can’t seem to shake. The fidgeting has always been a dead giveaway of Tobin’s nerves, and she only hopes that Christen hasn’t noticed yet (although, let’s face it, being subtle is not Tobin’s strong suit).

When they reach a side door to exit the building, Tobin is suddenly very glad that Christen thought to grab her jacket, because otherwise she might have just walked right back inside. The air is chilled, made obvious when both women start sniffling immediately as their noses stuff up in the cold. Christen stuffs her hands in her pockets, and Tobin laughs.

“We’re both kinda wimpy in the cold, huh?” 

“Speak for yourself—” Christen starts talking before a sneeze interrupts her, and Tobin just laughs harder. “Shut up,” the other woman grumbles, lightly hitting Tobin’s arm. 

The two women fall silent for a moment, walking down the street until they reach a bench that’s become their rendezvous spot. By now Tobin is rubbing her hands together, wishing she had gloves of some kind, which Christen must take notice of because very suddenly the two are holding hands. “Thanks,” Tobin nearly whispers, and Christen just smiles for a minute.

“Us southern girlies gotta stick together,” she replies in a terrible southern accent that makes Tobin laugh and breaks her heart at the same time, because  _ they’re not together in the way that she wants to be _ , a way that makes Tobin’s chest ache whenever she sees Christen.

Maybe Tobin is done sidestepping around it, maybe it’s just a moment of weakness. But it’s clear that she shocks both of them when she blurts out, “gooutforcoffeewithme.” It’s all one breath, rushed and nervous and something Tobin wishes she could take back (because what if she just fucked up one of the best things in her life). But Christen is gripping her hands tighter, squeezing, and Tobin sees what she thinks might be hope in her green eyes. 

“Slow down,” Christen says quietly. She still looks shocked, eyebrows raised and hands shaking a little bit. “Repeat that, please.”

Tobin doesn’t want to repeat it. Now would be the moment to chicken out, except she’s dug a hole for herself that she doesn’t know how to get out of. She can’t believe she even said that—she knows herself, knows that the army was maybe the bravest thing she ever did (but this seems a little braver, a little more important; she’s never actually asked anybody out until now, when she can’t afford to be shot down). She steels herself for imminent rejection, takes a breath, and puts everything out there.

“Chris, go out with me. Please.” Tobin’s hands are shaking now along with Christen’s, because she’s fucking terrified that this will go wrong. Christen looks less shocked now, and Tobin wants to say that the green-eyed woman is smiling with the corners of her mouths the way she does when she’s happy, but  _ that can’t be true, just don’t get your hopes up _ .

“Yes, God, yes.” Christen is full-on grinning now, and Tobin must be the one with her mouth gaping open. She can’t believe it, can’t believe what just happened, even as Christen is burrowing into her in a tight hug and whispering words that Tobin can’t quite make out. Except one sentence that Tobin just barely hears above the wind: “I kissed you first last time, it was your turn to be brave.” And holy shit (holy fucking shit, she remembers).

Once she gets past all the shock and starts hugging Christen back, Tobin thinks that she has never been this brave in her life—and never again will she be so glad for it. 


	10. i've got nowhere to be, other than right next to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a discovery!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is You've Got Me by the Greeting Committee (love this band, check them out pls). 
> 
> wrote this all today so not sure how good it is lol. wanted to get it up cus we're going out of town this weekend, so i'm also going to try to post another one tomorrow - we'll see about that tho. all typos are my own, ect. 
> 
> i really appreciate everyone who comments, i am very insecure and need validation so it helps a lot :)

The first thing Christen wakes up to the next morning is Kelley screaming in her ear. She made the mistake of picking up an incoming phone call from the shorter brunette, and her hearing is currently paying the price (how is anyone this energetic at 5 in the morning?).

“Christen Annemarie Press, what is this I hear about you mocking our southern culture?” Christen had decided long ago that any time before she meditates is much too early for Kelley’s energy, but now the use of her full name grabs her attention; nevermind that she didn’t register anything Kelley said afterward. 

Everything seems to be moving much too slowly in Christen’s mind, so that the only thing she can get out is “huh?” Kelley sighs on the other end, and Emily’s voice telling her to slow down faintly comes through the line. 

“Leave the accents to the actual Georgia peaches, Chris.” And Christen still hasn’t quite registered what Kelley is actually talking about, but she recognizes enough of the words Kelley has said. She’s made up her mind that if this call at the crack of dawn is only about an accent Christen did at some point, Kelley will most definitely be reported dead by the end of the day—to be fair, Emily would probably be on her side on this one. 

This is immediately confirmed when Christen’s half-asleep brain recognizes the blonde’s voice coming through the phone after noises that could only indicate a struggle. “Christen, listen to me,” Emily says, and somewhere in the back of her mind Christen thinks that maybe this might be serious, because Emily never sounds like that.

_ Unless she’s talking about Tobin. _ Christen freezes in her spot, mind suddenly more awake. It’s coming back to her now, that right before Tobin asked her out (asked her out!) Christen was putting on a terrible southern accent. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is how the married couple knows about what happened, but knowing them they probably showed up at Tobin’s motel room and sang off-key baby shark over and over until she conceded the information, a strategy they’ve employed multiple times with Christen. 

“Chris. Tobin asked you out.” It’s not a question so much as a statement from the blonde, and Christen is glad the couple isn’t with her because she can’t stop her face from breaking out into a huge smile. 

“Yes,” Christen confirms, finally awake enough to actually talk. 

“YES!!!” comes a scream from her phone, and once again Christen is seriously concerned for her hearing. That was most definitely Kelley again; Christen would recognize that scream anywhere. “Dude, how could you not tell us after like five seconds?” 

“Baby, calm down,” Emily laughs. “But Chris, I do agree. This is huge!” And yeah, it is. Even though it’s still much too early, Christen is glad that she has someone she can talk about Tobin with, even the two are certifiably insane. It’s finally setting in that Christen gets to go on an actual, real live date with the woman she’s been pining over for much too long. 

“I get the feeling you guys know what Tobs has planned,” Christen says, because now she’s running on excitement for what’s to come. 

“Yes, but we’re not telling. We’ve been sworn to secrecy,” Emily replies seriously at the same moment Kelley shouts “It’ll be so much fun, she put together—” The rest of what Kelley was going to say is muffled, clearly by Emily clapping a hand over her mouth. “As my beautiful wife pointed out, it will be fun, but  _ it is a surprise _ ,” Emily pointedly says to the other woman. Christen finds herself smiling at their antics, to the point where her face is starting to hurt from all the grinning. 

It takes nearly another hour for Kelley and Emily to hang up, and when they do Christen has to take a minute to catch her breath. She collapses back onto her bed, sighing. Her mind is still racing from everything she’s learned, something that only gets worse when she gets a text from Kelley.

[thing 1] at 7:13

Video

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS

Christen is glad that this time she’s being yelled at over text instead of the phone, because she’s not sure how much more her ears could take. The video paired with Kelley’s excitement has piqued her interest though, and she clicks on it without knowing what to expect. 

Which was a mistake apparently, because her jaw immediately drops. The video is clearly old, because its focus is Tobin in a tank top and army sweatpants. She’s holding a guitar, and when the video starts playing chords come through the speaker. Christen has so many questions, mainly when did Tobin start playing guitar, where the hell did Kelley find this, and why is Tobin in a tank top so incredibly attractive?

The song Tobin is playing seems vaguely familiar, but Christen can’t quite place it (mostly because she’s too focused on Tobin’s arms flexing as she strums). It’s only when Tobin starts singing that Christen has to completely stop the video and take a minute to register everything, because it’s  _ beautiful _ . Before she realizes what she’s doing, Christen is calling Tobin, partly because she wants answers and partly because she just wants to hear the other woman’s voice; apparently even a day is too long to go without Tobin and Christen is suddenly very grateful that their date is tomorrow.

“Chris? What’s up?” Tobin picks up on the second ring, and her voice is all sleep and roughness, something that reminds Christen of the topic at hand before she gets too distracted. 

“How come you never told me you play guitar?”

“What?” Tobin is clearly confused, and Christen feels a flash of guilt for ambushing her in the morning like this. 

“Sorry, just Kelley found a video somewhere and…” she trails off, not quite sure how she can explain herself without sounding like a creepy stalker. Tobin is laughing, though, which she takes as a good sign. 

“It’s fine, you just caught me off guard. I don’t actually play anymore. One of my friends taught me while we had downtime, but then I got moved and didn’t have a guitar anymore.” And that explains how young Tobin looks, because it must have been a while ago. Still, Christen feels a pang of regret that she wasn’t there to see such a large part of Tobin’s life.

Apparently Christen has no control over her body today, because she voices that thought. “I wish I was there,” she almost whispers, and when Tobin doesn’t say anything right away she starts panicking. Until Tobin does reply, and it’s perfect. 

“Me too.” Christen is smiling so wide that she almost misses Tobin’s next words. “I’ll sing for you someday, I promise.” 

The tone of her voice lets Christen know it’s a promise Tobin fully intends to keep.


	11. don't go slow 'cause you're gonna be someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of an outside perspective!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Hallelujah by Oh Wonder.
> 
> as promised, another chapter before i go offline for a while. don't get used to back to back updates tho, this is probably the only time it will happen lol. all typos my own, i really hope you like it and feel free to comment!

Tobin is nervous. It’s obvious to anyone who’s known her for more than two seconds, Emily included. But if there’s one thing Emily knows for a fact, it’s that Christen is completely whipped for Tobin; the woman in question has nothing to worry about.

Emily sees something special between them. It’s obvious there’s some kind of history there, obvious they’re both enamored with each other. The married woman sees it in the glances they think no one notices, the way they both fidget more when they’re around each other. Most of all, and perhaps most important, Christen seems happier. Emily is a lot more observant than people tend to think, and she notices that sometimes Christen’s eyes are inexplicably red and her hair messier than usual, notices the times when she shuts herself away and doesn’t answer any texts.

That’s why Emily has become so invested in their relationship. She sees a little bit of herself and Kelley in the two women, too, something that compels her to make sure they get their shit together and don’t quietly pine for as long as the married couple did.

But now, standing on a soccer field with all their friends and waiting for Christen, Emily thinks the two will do just fine (once they stop acting like five-year-olds with a crush around each other, that is). Kelley is running between the goals, getting her energy out after she nearly tackled Tobin in excitement. Ash and Ali are sitting near the center, talking quietly, which leaves Emily trying to keep Tobin from having a heart attack. They’ve already warmed up, or at least tried to, but they gave up on kicking a ball back and forth after Tobin missed five passes in a row.

“What if she doesn’t like it?” Tobin asks Emily for the millionth time. The other woman can’t help but roll her eyes, even if it is kind of cute how nervous Tobin is.

“We’ve been over this, Toby. Soccer was Chris’s life for a good while. She’ll love it, trust me. Now deep breaths.” The brunette nods slowly, taking a few deep breaths. She’s still fidgeting, but it’s not quite as bad, and Emily tries to relax. Kelley has kept running, but the sight of her wife being her usual hyperactive self calms Emily down, reminding her why she’s so determined to make this the best date ever.

When Tobin’s eyes widen almost comically as she stares in the direction of the parking lot, Emily knows that Christen has arrived. “Holy shit,” Tobin breathes, and Emily is preparing herself to stop the other woman from running, but then she looks over at Christen and holy shit is right. Christen is wearing an old soccer jersey, hair done up in a messy bun, mirroring Tobin’s huge smile. If she didn’t know for sure before, this is confirmation for anyone with eyes that the two dorks are absolutely smitten with each other.

Emily has to elbow Tobin as Christen walks over to make sure that she doesn’t just keep staring like a creeper. “Time to do your thing, Tobito,” she whispers, leaving the two alone to go collect Kelley and the other couple. By the time she walks back, Tobin looks a lot less nervous, laughing with Christen, and Emily hopes that they both realize there was nothing at all to be nervous about.

Ashlyn claps her hands, already in a pair of keeper’s gloves, to get everyone’s attention. “How are we choosing teams?”

“I vote couples can’t be together,” Emily says as she smirks at Kelley. She’ll never pass up a chance to kick her wife’s ass, after all.

“I call Ash and Sonnett,” Tobin blurts out. Everyone has to look around for a minute, surprised that Tobin would be the first to choose teams, but then Ashlyn shrugs and walks over to Tobin, with Emily quickly following.

“Let’s do this,” Christen grins. Each team takes a minute to huddle and discuss strategy (Tobin’s talk mostly consists of begging the team to make her look good, trying to impress Christen).

Since Ashlyn is the only trained keeper, Kelley ends up playing goal for the other team. Emily immediately bursts out laughing when she sees the other woman standing in the mini goal they brought, trying to look tough. It just gets funnier when Tobin immediately scores on her, running the ball past both Christen and Ali, both of whom are clearly surprised.

“Tobito’s still got it!” Emily yells, picking Tobin up. “I don’t know what you were so worried about.”

“Yeah, Tobs, what would you be worried about?” Kelley is sporting a shit-eating grin from the goal, one that causes Tobin and Emily to shoot death stares in her direction. Christen only smiles, ignoring Kelley and making her way straight to Tobin. They hug just long enough for Christen to catch everyone off guard and take the ball, dribbling it up towards Ashlyn.

The group of six ends up playing soccer for nearly an hour before they stop to eat the picnic Tobin put together, mostly with Emily’s help. Tobin still has a good handle on the game, scoring six goals on Kelley (Emily herself had five), but in the last half hour Christen’s team makes an effort to catch up, Christen scoring seven and Ali two (but only after Kelley complained so much about being keeper that Emily took over goal to appease her).

It’s a good day, Emily decides as they eat. Tobin and Christen have been all but cuddling since they sat down, whispering back and forth and putting even the married couple to shame in their shows of affection.

Emily decides in that instant that she’ll do anything in her power to make sure everything works out between the two.

…

It takes a while, but eventually everyone has left the park except for Tobin and Christen. Maybe Emily was right, Tobin thinks, because this might have been the most fun she’s ever had on a date.

“Thank you for this.” Christen’s voice interrupts her thoughts, and when Tobin turns to look at the other woman she finds herself blushing.

“How did I get so lucky?” she mutters. At first she doesn’t know if Christen heard or not, but the green-eyed woman simply smiles and buries her head in Tobin’s shoulder (and suddenly, this park feels like home).

“I should be asking you that. Today was amazing,” Christen says quietly into Tobin’s arm. Tobin makes up her mind in an instant, taking another chance. She intertwines their fingers so that they’re holding hands, and Christen squeezes lightly. They stand like that for a while, touching and watching people walk through the park. Really, both of them would be fine staying like that forever; with the sun on its way down, though, both of them know it’s time to go.

When they finally part, Christen leaves a kiss on Tobin’s cheek. All she can do is stand there and watch Christen leave, stunned into silence.

Today was a good day, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unrelated: thinking about writing a separate so'hara story in the same universe. thoughts? (also, if any of you want a more in-depth chapter about the date entirely from christen or tobin's perspective, let me know. i'm debating if i want to write that or not.)


	12. we got a lot of time to get it right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our favorite dumbasses acknowledge their feelings (finally).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Wasted Youth by FLETCHER.
> 
> bit of a longer chapter, not super sure about this one but here it is. i'm hoping from here on out most chapters will actually drive plot, aka this might be the last feelings chapter for a lil bit. all mistakes are my own. please let me know how y'all feel about this one, it really helps lol. appreciate all the love for this story in general.
> 
> light TW: depresso thoughts

Sometimes Christen wishes she could go back. Back to before high school, when everything got complicated (liking girls, depression, and puberty do not go well together). Sometimes she wishes that she could go back and try out different paths, like a choose-your-own-adventure; what if she had played soccer professionally? What if she went to therapy, was able to un-learn all of her destructive habits?

And when it’s the worst. Christen wishes she was a different person entirely. Wishes that she could get out of her brain, out of her messed-up DNA and start over. It’s one of those nights that Christen finds herself on the phone with Emily. They don’t usually talk about these things—Emily has Kelley to talk to, Christen tends to keep everything bottled up rather than tell anyone her true feelings—but somehow, Christen knows that Emily knows something is up. The other woman has a way of… staring into your soul when you least expect it.

(Like the time they met up for coffee after Christen had a bad night. Emily was joking, until she wasn’t, her eyes laser-focused on Christen. She had never expected this, much less from one of the two gremlins, but suddenly Emily was the most serious Christen had ever seen her, and for the first time she asked, “Are you okay?” Later Christen went home and broke down again, because nobody had asked her that in a long time. She could barely keep it together in the cafe, because she hadn’t been expecting the question, much less from Emily.)

So now, because she’s Emily, the other woman picks up the phone and immediately asks “What’s wrong, Chris?” And Christen has to take deep breaths, take a minute to make sure she won’t break down on the spot.

“Hey, Em.” It’s all Christen can get out, because she’s still trying to control her breathing, but somehow the other woman just knows.

“Slow down, you’re okay. Just tell me what you’re thinking,” Emily says quietly from the other end. Christen takes the advice, slows her breathing even further and tries to get a handle on her thoughts.

“What if… what if I’m not enough for her?” It comes out so quiet, nearly a whisper, that at first Christen isn’t sure the other woman heard her. But then a sigh comes through the phone, not annoyed, just sad, and she can tell that Emily is thinking, trying to formulate a response.

It feels like hours have passed before Emily says another word. But when she does, Christen tries to cling on to them, letting them ground her, ignoring her shaking hands in favor of deep breathing and listening. “Christen, I honestly don’t know why you feel this way. If I was a therapist, I would ask. I would tell you to think about what caused those feelings. But I’m not, and you haven’t filled me in on everything. And that’s okay. If there’s one thing I know, though, it’s that you’re not. So I’m here for you, to help you through it.

“Look, I’ve dealt with my fair share of depression, my own and other people’s. I think you probably feel that way because in your mind, you’re too broken to love. But I promise you, that’s a fucking lie. Christen Press, you are one of the strongest goddamn people I know. I’ve watched you fall down so many times, only to pick yourself up and keep going. You’ve taken so many punches, and you’re still standing, you’re still fighting back. I think that makes you pretty incredible. And maybe you are broken. Maybe you’re shattered, falling to pieces. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. That just means that you need a little bit more love, need someone who will help put you back together if you let them.

“Chris, you’ve been doing this alone for so long. I know that letting someone in like that is scary. I know that it hurts, and that you’re tired. I know that maybe you aren’t as permanent as you used to be, because it’s harder to be as careful when you’re putting the pieces back together by yourself. But if anyone I know deserves to be whole, deserves to be held together permanently, it’s you. God, it’s you, Chris. And honestly, I’m not trying to discount you, because if the world gave you enough time you would put yourself back together and get right back up. All I’m saying is that you deserve love, deserve to not feel like this. You might not see it, but you do. And I’m not sure what past you have with Tobin, but Chris, she’s totally gone. She’s right there, and she’s ready to do anything it takes to help you. So you need to let her in. You deserve love, and she’s there to give it. You just need to recognize that you can take it.”

When Emily is finished, she lets out a breath. Christen is still sitting shell-shocked on the other end, taking in what the other woman said. She wants to protest, but she’s still caught up in what Sonnett said about Tobin—is she really willing to help, to take the time to pick up Christen’s pieces?

“What are you thinking about, Chris? I can hear it through the phone,” Emily says softly.

Christen exhales heavily, processing everything going through her head. “...Do you really think Tobin will help?” And now Emily is full-on laughing, cackling through the phone.

“I swear you two are the most oblivious fucking idiots I’ve ever seen…” Christen desperately wants to know more about why she’s oblivious, why she’s a fucking idiot, but it seems like that’s all Emily is going to say. Until she starts talking again, lower this time and like she’s telling a secret. “Dude, Tobin is whipped for you. I think you might need glasses, because it’s really damn hard to miss the way she looks at you. But you’re the same,” she says pointedly. “Pressy, you were glowing on that date. You two act more like a married couple than the actual married couple, but somehow you’ve both convinced yourselves that it’s all made up or some shit. It’s honestly incredible that Tobin even got the courage to ask you out. I thought it was never going to happen, because y’all are just… not good at feelings.”

In all fairness, Christen has never been good at feelings. Not when they’re her own, not when they’re other peoples’. She wants to protest what Emily is saying (there’s no way Tobin is whipped) but then she starts thinking back, back to Tobin’s blush when she kissed her cheek, to the way Tobin’s eyes are always waiting, already on Christen whenever she looks up. And… “holy shit”.

Emily is still laughing, almost snorting now. But in between her cackles, she manages to get out a few final words. “It’s about fucking time. Don’t tell Tobin I said that, though, cus she would actually murder me. Also, Kelley is calling, so I should go. Love you!” she hangs up, and Christen is left with her thoughts—and there are a lot of them. Before she really registers what she’s doing, she’s getting up and crossing over to the mirror above her dresser, where she hangs post-its with affirmations, reassurances she can look at on the bad days.

For the first time in a while, Christen is adding post-its. The first one goes up:  _ “You deserve love” - Emily Sonnett _ . Sometimes it’s easier for her to believe if someone else says it. Shortly after, the second one goes up, simply  _ TOBIN  _ in block letters. And then, underneath that  _ (she’s right there, just let her in) _ .

Just seeing Tobin’s name on the wall makes her smile, and for the first time Christen acknowledges what Emily said about her. Maybe she’s the whipped one—and that’s kind of terrifying, because she doesn’t think she’s ever been this far gone before.

…

Tobin has a problem. And that problem is sitting across the room from her, stealing glances and throwing paper airplanes.

It’s common knowledge that Tobin absolutely sucks at feelings. She would rather push them down, ignore them, than talk about them or acknowledge them. Her date with Christen was the first in years, after she realized that hooking up and then never talking again was a better strategy—less feelings, less to worry about.

This is becoming an issue, though, because when it comes to the green-eyed woman Tobin has so many feelings. So many that it’s hard to keep to herself, sometimes. At this point Alex and Allie, her best friends back in California are probably getting tired of Tobin’s rants over text about how amazing Christen is (because there have been a lot of them, mostly along the lines of how pretty she is, how nice and dorky and good at soccer she is).

But now, something is changing. Somehow, Chris is forcing Tobin to confront feelings. And she’s not quite sure how she feels about that, because it got her here, one date in with the other woman, but Tobin doesn’t quite know where to go from here. Because yes, she’s confronted them, but maybe she still hasn’t acknowledged them. Maybe it’s because the intensity scares her.

Tobin has never been good at feelings, but she’s starting to think she’ll have to learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter partially inspired by Tobin's superglue speech in a great story: Once More, With Feeling by katbastard. go check it out. 
> 
> honesty time! you might have noticed a lot of feelings are in this story, and that's mostly because i'm coming off a two-year-long depression streak in which i literally could not write anything. so not only is this the longest thing i've written in a hella long time, it's also kinda therapeutic. having said that, i can see how it might be getting kind of repetitive. so just,,,,, let me know if it is so that i know i'm not going insane, k?


	13. this is reality, this is the start. no way around it, find who you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> high tobin and chickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is 7000x by Judah and The Lions.
> 
> way more light-hearted chapter today to offset the angst for at least a little bit. also probably the longest chapter you'll ever get. unedited but approved by a single one of my friends, if that means anything. also lil' note on the timeline: realized while writing this chapter that the timeline is suuuper unclear, but we're just gonna say that it's been a few months by now since tobin moved to seattle. 
> 
> see the end notes for a rant abt how much i appreciate everyone!

When Tobin doesn’t show up to work for the first time since she moved, Christen is immediately worried. The other woman isn’t answering texts, not to mention that she hasn’t picked up any of the seven times Christen tried calling her. 

Christen tries to tell herself that she’s so fidgety and unable to work on anything because she had too much caffeine this morning, but when the clock hits noon and she’s been on her phone waiting for Tobin more than she’s been working, she knows it’s time to give up. 

When she walks up to Sue’s office to ask for a half-day off, Christen is still thinking, telling herself that this is only because she’s worried, and not even a little bit because she wants to see Tobin. When Sue grants her the rest of the afternoon and Christen catches herself lighting up with a smile, she tells herself  _ this is not because you’re whipped. You’re doing this because you’re a friend, not because you’re in love with Tobin Heath.  _

(And, well, fuck. That didn’t work, because love wasn’t on the table until now, when Christen realizes that maybe it is, and now she can’t stop thinking about it.)

Lucky for her, Christen is able to push Tobin out of her mind long enough to get her address from Sonnett and drive to the motel she’s staying at without crashing (even though there are a few too many near misses). It’s only when she’s in the parking lot, sitting in her car, that Christen starts really thinking. And when her brain gets mixed with Tobin, the results are pretty much never fun. 

She’s caught in the middle of a spiral, breathing speeding up and hands starting to shake, when her phone starts lighting up with a call. It’s Tobin, and when Christen gets confirmation that the other woman is, indeed, alive, she calms down just the slightest bit. Unfortunately, she’s still not prepared to face Tobin when she picks up the phone; that only intensifies when she hears Tobin’s voice.

“Chrissssssssssssssssssy! How long’ve you been sitting in the car-place?” Tobin sounds loopy, almost drunk, and that’s what finally compels Christen to get out of her car and walk up to the building, because the worry is back in full-force. 

“Tobs, are you okay?” 

Tobin must sense the panic is Christen’s voice, even in whatever state she’s in, because she tries to comfort her. And it’s sweet, even if she does miss the mark completely. “Don’ worry ‘bout me, Chris. I got the chickens, an’ they didn’t even peck me!” As confused as Christen is, Tobin has undeniably calmed her down—though that calm is more because Christen is wondering what the fuck is going on, so much so that her mind is completely preoccupied with that question and most of her worry is out the window. 

When she reaches Tobin’s door, the smell of burning eggs is the first thing she registers. The second is Tobin’s smiling face opening the door, and then the other woman is draping herself over Christen. It’s the least reserved Tobin has ever been with her, and Christen is smiling again as she walks the other woman into the motel room. 

“Missed you,” Tobin mutters into her shoulder when they finally make it inside enough for Christen to close the door. As much as she likes the contact, however, the burning smell is even stronger inside; Christen gently sets down a clearly out of it Tobin and rushes over to the stove. Whatever the other woman was trying to make is completely destroyed, just charred scraps of something stuck to a pan. She sets about cleaning up, only vaguely listening to Tobin, who is now half-on, half-off the couch and murmuring to herself. She keeps mentioning chickens, even though there are no animals in sight. 

After she finishes scraping off the pan, Christen returns to Tobin and props her up again. “Hey there, Toby,” she says quietly. In the back of her mind, she has to admit that Tobin is hella cute when she’s loopy like this.

“I tried to make chickens, but it didn’t work,” Tobin pouts, and everything makes a bit more sense (apparently in Tobin’s mind right now, failing to cook eggs means hatching chickens). Christen starts laughing, and Tobin just stares at her, wide-eyed.

“Why are you all loopy? You don’t have to tell me, but—” Christen is cut off when Tobin slaps a hand over her mouth, shushing her. 

“Too much talking. Don’ worryyyyyy,” Tobin slurs. “Sometimes my…” she trails off, flailing her arm around. “The hand-thing is ouchie, so I get warm and fuzzy and no hurt anymore.” It clicks for Christen then that Tobin isn’t drunk, just incredibly high; apparently the other woman didn’t think it was important to tell Christen that she’s still in pain from the accident, still has to take strong meds to counteract it. 

“Let’s get you something to eat,” Christen smiles. She has to admit, doped-up Tobin is kind of cute (even if she makes no sense whatsoever). 

By the time Christen locates another pan to use and takes stock of what food items Tobin has, the other woman has fallen off the couch twice and mumble-sang happy birthday at least three times over. Fortunately Tobin has enough food for Christen to throw together a meal, sans eggs, and Christen only has to hear happy birthday five more times before they’re sitting at the cramped motel table, eating sandwiches (PB&J for Tobin, peanut butter and banana for Chris). 

Trying to make small talk is hopeless with Tobin in this state, so they just eat silently, Tobin occasionally muttering about something happening on We Bare Bears, which Christen turned on in hopes of not having to listen to Tobin’s singing anymore. It doesn’t matter that her voice is still great, or that just being around the other woman instantly makes Christen happy. 

It takes Tobin way too long to finish her sandwich, maybe partially because her eyelids start drooping and she lets out a yawn halfway through. Christen takes the hint, and starts cleaning up their plates. She puts everything away and guides Tobin to the bed to sleep off the medication, planning to sit on the couch and read. Instead, Tobin catches her hand before she can walk over to the couch.

“Stay,” she mumbles, and of course Christen would never deny Tobin cuddles. They both settle down under the covers, Tobin clinging onto her like a koala. “I can hear you thinking,” Tobin says quietly, poking Christen’s head. “You think too much. I like it though. An’ I like you. Make me feel warm, n’ I love it. Love you, Chris. Love the chickens.” 

And with that, Tobin burrows into Christen and passes out. 

For once, Christen doesn’t want to think too much. So she follows in Tobin’s footsteps, burrowing down into the blankets and closing her eyes. 

… 

Tobin wakes up the next morning unusually warm and comfortable. She can’t seem to figure out why until she rolls over, and Christen’s face is right there. The two women are hopelessly tangled under the covers, arms over each other and legs wrapped together. Christen must have been hugging Tobin’s arm most of the night, because it’s completely asleep (but at least it doesn’t hurt anymore, so she won’t be super high for another day). 

If it was up to Tobin, she might stay like this forever. Christen’s sleeping face is baby-panda-level adorable, and it might be the most peaceful Tobin has ever seen the other woman. 

Unfortunately, Tobin’s brain chooses that exact moment to finally register that it’s morning. She shoots up into a sitting position, mind already trying to calculate how fast they’ll need to go to make it to work on time. “Chris, wake up.” She gently shakes the other woman, hoping that somehow the sun just rose earlier than it was supposed to. 

“Hmm?” Christen is yawning as her eyes flutter open, and she has now surpassed baby pandas in Tobin’s mind. The exact moment that Christen realizes how late they are is very clear when her eyes widen and she turns to Tobin in a panic. “Oh, shit.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin grimaces. It only gets worse when she checks the time and it’s already 7, leaving only an hour for them to get ready and drive through Seattle traffic (which usually takes up to an hour and a half on its own). 

When Tobin turns back, Christen is smiling, though, and Tobin is intrigued; mostly because the other woman, usually high-strung, went from panicked to serene in the span of a minute. “Hold up, I’m gonna call Sue.” She gets off the bed and crosses the room, looking around for her phone. When she finds it, she sits back down next to Tobin and dials the number. “...Hey, yeah, it’s Chris. I’m gonna take a sick day—” she covers her phone and turns to Tobin, whispering “you’re good using a sick day, right?” Tobin nods, and Chris turns back, still talking to their boss. “Yeah, so Tobin and I are both out today. Okay. Thank you!” With that, she hangs up, turning again to face Tobin, who’s sitting in awe. 

“Damn, Chris,” is all she can seem to say. Tobin can’t imagine being good enough with people to pull that off, especially someone with power over her. 

“It’s nothing,” Christen shrugs. “I have a ton of sick days saved up, and this way we can relax!” They take a second to smile at each other, and of course Tobin’s brain chooses that exact moment to finally remember what High Tobin said last night (including something about love, which… fuck). Christen must see the realization play out on Tobin’s face, because she pats Tobin’s hand in sympathy and softly says “we should probably talk about that, huh?” 

At first all Tobin can do is nod, trying to find words. But then she thinks that if they’re gonna talk about feelings, she would much rather not do it in a ratty motel room. “Would it be okay if we talked about it over coffee?” Christen lights up at the mention of coffee, nodding enthusiastically. 

“I’d need some clothes and stuff, though,” the green-eyed woman says, seemingly deep in thought. 

Tobin doesn’t even think before she blurts out “You can use mine,” rushed and too loud and in typical Tobin fashion. 

Christen looks unsure, eyes flickering between Tobin and anywhere else in the room. “I don’t want to bother you, though.” 

“You could never bother me.” She says it before she can stop herself (but even if she could, she wouldn’t; Tobin is on a streak of drug-induced honesty about feelings and she’s determined not to stop now). Christen just smiles shyly, and before Tobin can overthink it too much she gets off the bed and walks over to her dresser. It doesn’t take long to find a clean pair of jeans and one of her shirts for Christen, which she tosses over along with a random bra and boxers. “Let me know if anything doesn’t fit, and I promise I haven’t worn the underwear before.” 

Christen accepts the clothes and disappears into the bathroom, and Tobin starts changing as well. She’s halfway done, standing in pants and a sports bra, when Christen walks out. They both stop, staring at each other, because holy fuck that is Christen Press wearing Tobin’s clothes (meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Christen is thinking something along the lines of  _ Tobin Heath in a bra, attractive _ ). Before she can make more of an idiot out of herself, Tobin clears her throat and puts the closest shirt on, mumbling “You look really good” somewhere in the process. 

Christen’s face goes bright red when she realizes she’s been staring, and for once Tobin is completely sure that she wasn’t imagining it. Nevertheless, she shakes it off before she can lose focus, choosing instead to walk past Christen to the bathroom. She calls out behind her, “I have an extra toothbrush, come on Chris!” Within minutes the two women are both in the small bathroom, brushing their teeth, and Tobin is struck by how domestic it all feels; a feeling she would gladly keep experiencing every morning. 

Only ten minutes later, the two are finally ready to walk to the nearest coffee shop. They walk in silence for the most part, Tobin whistling with her hands shoved into her pockets. She doesn’t notice that Christen is fidgeting, playing with her hair while she walks. She doesn’t notice that Christen’s cheeks get red again when Tobin opens the door for her. 

(She does notice the look in Christen’s eyes, something she hasn’t seen since their teenage years, darker and steely, when she gets both their coffee orders, though. She notices the way Christen’s lips turn up when Tobin recites her order perfectly, the way their hands brush when Tobin hands her the cup.)

Finally, they’re sitting down with caffeine, both a bit quieter than usual in anticipation of the conversation they’re about to have, and Tobin figures she should probably start trying to explain away what she said about love. But Tobin is sick of hiding her feelings, so she takes a deep breath and lets it all out. "Chris. Um, so I was obviously really out of it last night, but I just want you to know... I meant what I said, about feelings and everything. I really like you, Christen. And you don't have to say anything back, and I fully acknowledge that High Tobin maybe said love too soon. But I don't want to take it back. I do. Love you, I mean. I have for a really long time," Tobin finishes in a whisper. Because there it is, everything she’s felt in the past few months out on the table in front of them, her soul bared for Christen’s judgement. 

She tries not to panic when Christen doesn’t immediately reply, green eyes looking down instead of at her. “I…” the other woman starts, but nothing comes out after that. (Really, Christen doesn't know what to say, because she loves Tobin, so much, but something in her won't let her say it back.)

"It's okay," Tobin rushes to speak before Christen panics. She’s in damage control mode now, determined not to let her stupidity get in the way of the best thing in her life. "I promise I get it, and you don't have to do or say anything you're not comfortable with. We can forget about all of this, if you want."

(But that's the thing. Christen doesn't want to forget about it.)

“It’s fine, Chris. I’ll be fine.” Tobin is smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “It never happened.”

“No,” Christen blurts out. It nearly makes Tobin flinch with its suddenness, sounding like something Tobin herself would do before she loses courage. And she knows that feeling, so before Chris can panic more, Tobin puts a hand over the other woman’s. She takes it as a good sign when Christen doesn’t pull back, instead taking a breath. “I don’t… I don’t want that. I really like you too, Tobin. It’s just that,” she looks at a loss for words, vaguely gesturing instead, and for the first time that morning Tobin is laughing. 

“Look, as long as we’re still good, I’m good.” Tobin doesn’t realize how true the words are until they’re out of her mouth, and she takes Christen’s nodding as a good sign. The other woman is smiling now, finally, and Tobin feels like a weight has been lifted off her chest.

“I have an idea,” Christen says as the smile turns into a smirk. “How about we call this a second date?” Tobin erupts in a smile, and she realizes that both of them must look idiotic (but she doesn’t care, how could she when she’s with her favorite person and they’re on a second date?).

“Deal.” They shake on it, and finally Tobin’s hands have stopped trembling. 

Everything is alright, she thinks as she settles back into her seat. Everything is better than alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all. i really can't express how grateful i am for the love you're giving this story - i may or may not have cried reading a couple comments but that doesn't matter. this is gonna sound sappy as hell, but it means so much to me that people are actually excited about this. it's the first thing i've been legitimately excited about writing in way too long, and to see that reflected in you guys, for a story i really didn't expect to take off anywhere near this much is just... wow. anyway, thought i would stick this down here because i'm horrible at actually replying to comments, but just know that every single one matters and pretty much makes my day most of the time :)
> 
> in short- thank you so much for all the love, it's amazing to see and i really really really appreciate even the smallest comment. love you guys!


	14. maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apartment shopping and something else :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Wonderwall by Oasis (you might have noticed my music taste is all over the place lol).
> 
> bit of a later chapter today, everything's been v hectic and i had writer's block until i didn't and banged this out in like an hour. pretty much completely unedited, so don't expect perfection. i appreciate all comments!! 
> 
> also going through and changing all the chapter titles - they were boring and i need a way to procrastinate schoolwork.

"We're going apartment shopping," Christen announces that afternoon after they've gotten back to the motel room. Now that she's not focused on taking care of Tobin, she can see the room for what it really is, which is a dump; according to Tobin the sink has broken three times and the tv only gets five channels, not to mention the chairs missing legs and all the cigarette burns on the couch.

Tobin protests briefly (“I’m fine here, and besides, apartments are hella expensive” paired with a pout that’s nearly lethal), but after some convincing from Chris she finally resigns and they start looking for open houses near the UW. Christen has to force away thoughts about how close the two are as they stare at Tobin’s computer screen, makes herself focus on the task at hand instead of thinking about their coffee talk. 

Her thoughts have been crowded with love, even before Tobin’s confession, and it’s confusing the hell out of her. Emily’s voice in her head has been telling her that she really does love Tobin, it’s obvious to everyone except her, but it’s only natural for Christen to overthink everything (and overthink she does; her brain has been analyzing every moment she’s spent with Tobin since they met again and trying to figure out if she loves the other woman, even though for once it feels like the answer should be clear). 

Christen is knocked out of her head when Tobin slams the computer screen down, triumphantly announcing “We’re going apartment shopping!” She’s done a complete 180 from when she was complaining about leaving the hotel room, but Christen has learned how to roll with it, so she simply lets a smile form on her face and watches as Tobin jumps up and gets all her stuff together.

Unfortunately, it only takes one showing for Tobin to do another 180 and go back to complaining. “Chrissy, it’s so fucking expensive,” she groans as they walk through the apartment. Christen has to admit, it is pretty fucking expensive, but it’s a nice place, and Tobin deserves to live somewhere that isn’t falling apart. Tobin makes it clear that she doesn’t see it that way, though. “Can I go back to the army to pay for this?” she whispers conspiratorially at one point, after checking her bank account multiple times and making a show of flashing both her VA card and UW ID at the real estate lady. No matter how much Christen tries to talk some sense into her, Tobin seems dead-set on finding the cheapest place possible, so Christen finds herself getting ushered out of the building as soon as Tobin sees an opening. 

“Why are you so dead-set on being cheap?” Christen asks when they’re settled into her car, driving to the next place. Tobin just shrugs at first, avoiding her glance by staring out the window at the Seattle skyline. 

“I guess it started with college. I never wanted my parents to have to pay for anything, since we didn’t have a ton growing up, so that’s why I got into the army, and it just carried over to adulthood,” Tobin says softly. “It crushed me when I didn’t get a scholarship for soccer,” she admits, and suddenly Christen is struck by how lucky she’s been. 

“They were stupid not to recruit you.” She says it with conviction, because if she was good enough to get a full ride then Tobin was too, no question about it. It becomes apparent Tobin doesn’t see it that way when she smiles sadly, though.

“Maybe, maybe not. I just try not to think about it too much. The what-ifs don’t actually change anything, you know?” And Christen wants to wrap the other woman in a hug, shake some sense into her, because she knows that better than anyone but she also knows that Tobin should have gotten all the chances Christen got, if not more. “And besides, I’m here now, so I’d say I’ve done pretty okay for myself.” 

Christen catches herself smiling when Tobin nudges her, and it crosses her mind that if she could do it all again, she would pass up everything if it meant that she could still be here with Tobin. 

It’s not long after the two fall into silence that they reach the next apartment. Tobin seems more pleased with this one, keeping her wallet with her various ID cards closed. It’s a bit less nice, Christen notices, but it’s close enough to the university campus to be reasonable and the price is good, something that Tobin agrees with this time. The other woman hasn’t stopped smiling since they walked in, and neither has Christen (although she stopped caring about the apartment after Tobin grabbed her hand to lead her inside and didn’t let go, leaving their fingers intertwined and sparks shooting up Christen’s arm). 

Tobin ends up trading contact information with the realtor, and this time when they walk out Tobin turns, still grinning, and says “I think that might be it.” Christen knows that she’s talking about the apartment, but she can’t help thinking the same thing about them; this, holding hands with Tobin and smiling and driving around downtown on stolen days off, might be it for her. That theory only solidifies when Christen notices how quiet her brain is for once. 

They pause before getting in the car, and Tobin is still grinning goofily. She swung their connected hands the entire way down the stairs, and her happiness is infectious. “Today was a good day,” she declares, and Christen has to agree. 

Their hands are still connected, fingers intertwined against the car door, when Christen catches herself staring at Tobin’s lips. She looks up only to find that Tobin’s brown eyes have gone a shade darker, and suddenly Christen thinks that maybe they’re moved a bit closer, because now she’s inches away from Tobin, trying (and failing) to stop her gaze from flickering back down to Tobin’s lips. 

Tobin takes her by surprise when she speaks first. “Can—is it okay if I kiss you?” Her voice is rough, tongue poking out between her lips as she focuses on Christen, and it’s all too much and not enough at the same time, and Christen is nodding her head without breaking Tobin’s gaze before she can think about it. 

Christen doesn’t even register that her eyes have already closed, that she’s leaning in, until her lips touch Tobin’s again for the first time in over ten years. Even though they’re still leaning against Christen’s beat-up car, in the middle of downtown, it feels like fireworks should be going off. For once, there’s no space for worrying, as Tobin draws her closer and their lips move against each other. It feels like every single one of Christen's cells is focused on Tobin's tongue in her mouth, on the way Tobin tastes and her hands cupping the back of Christen's neck. It's just like high school, except so much better in ways that Christen can't even describe. This kiss is more rushed, more heat and tongue and just _more_ (and Christen loves it, can't get enough of Tobin taking the lead and nipping at her bottom lip; she knows that it'll be obvious she's been making out with someone, but for once she doesn't care).

When they finally break apart after what feels like forever, Tobin’s forehead resting against Christen’s, they’re both breathing heavily. “Wow” is all Christen can seem to say, and she knows that her lips must be swollen—but, and she cannot emphasise this enough, she just kissed Tobin Heath, which means that she  _ does not care _ about anything except the woman next to her. 

“God, I wanted to do that for so long,” Tobin whispers, and Christen is having flashbacks to high school all over again. 

“I’m glad you did,” she smiles, and before she knows it they’re kissing again and all Christen can feel is electricity as they connect. 

They spend the rest of the night touching in some way—Tobin hugging Christen from behind as she cooks in the motel room, Christen playing with Tobin’s fingers as they watch tv and cuddle on the bed. 

And even though kissing is all that happened, Christen wouldn’t have it any other way, she thinks as they fall asleep that night hugging each other close, both content to just be near each other. 

The last coherent thought Christen has before she drifts off is that she would give up anything in an instant for this woman. The last incoherent thought is simply  _ shit, love _ , and then her eyes are closing and Tobin is wrapped around her, and this might be the best day of her life. 


	15. lately you've been on my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a proposal coming up :000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Adore You by Harry Styles. 
> 
> sorry about the late update, it's been a busy fucking couple days. had to film for a school project, went to PT today because my hips are like twenty years older than the rest of my body, just generally stressed and running on less sleep than i should be. but anyway! i really hope you guys like this chapter, i'm not sure how happy i am with it. writer's block has been a bitch lately. 
> 
> as usual, unedited so all typos are my own. please comment, i really appreciate it! enjoy!

“Kelley says she’s kidnapping you,” Christen announces the morning after apartment shopping while the two eat breakfast. Tobin had woken up early and made her specialty oatmeal for Christen, something she learned at a queer cooking class in Portland. As she sits across from Christen, she thinks that just maybe she could deal with waking up early every morning if it meant she could see Christen sleeping next to her. 

“Do I have any choice in this?” Tobin knows that Christen, Ali, and Emily were supposed to be doing something today, but she didn’t think that would cause her to be dragged outside too. 

“Knowing Kelley, I’d say absolutely not,” the green-eyed woman chuckles. “By the way, this is really good. When did you learn to cook like this?” 

Tobin is sure that a blush is erupting on her face, and she has to clear her throat before she can answer. “I can’t. I just learned this in a cooking class.” Christen just nods wisely, narrowing her eyes slightly as she looks from the oatmeal to Tobin, and back again. 

“And you’re sure this isn’t poisoned. Because it’s very colorful, and I’m worried about my safety.”

Now Tobin’s face must be redder than a fire hydrant, because she hadn’t planned on telling Christen exactly where she learned the recipe. “I… may have learned in a class called ‘Cooking for Queers’,” she mutters. Christen stares at her in disbelief for a second, before bursting out laughing. 

“Sorry,” Christen breathes when she finally stops laughing. “It’s just that I can’t picture you at a cooking class at all, and also where would you even take that?”

“It was a little queer bakery, and I am very adept in cooking classes,” Tobin protests, but it’s undercut by the fact that she’s laughing too. 

“Maybe you should take me sometime,” Christen says as she eats a much bigger bite of the oatmeal than necessary, making a show of enjoying it. 

“Maybe I will.” 

... 

Kelley appears to collect (or kidnap, as she insists on calling it) the two women much too early for Tobin’s taste, especially since she had only had half an hour to cuddle with Christen by the time they were both ready to go. The short ball of energy makes herself known by knocking rapidly on the door until Tobin answers, greeting her with a noncommittal grunt as Kelley runs into the room and jumps on Christen. 

“Let’s go! I’m already late, Em is gonna kill me!” Kelley is talking a mile a minute as usual as she pulls Christen off the bed, then switches gears and starts pushing her toward the door. “Christen Press, if we’re late you are taking the blame for this,” she groans.

Once the other two women are out the door and Tobin is still in the room, she thinks she’s in the clear. But before she can quite register what’s happening, Kelley has grabbed her hand and pulled her through the doorway, fixing her with a stare that could intimidate a lion. "You're not getting away, Tobito. If my wife is leaving me for the day, I need someone else to occupy me."

Christen scoffs from next to Tobin. "More like someone to make sure she doesn't die or burn their house down," she whispers, and Tobin laughs. 

“Well, are we gonna go, or what?” Tobin finally concedes, accepting her fate, and Kelley throws her hands up in exasperation as she leads them to her car. 

“It’s about fucking time. You two are very difficult together, I hope you know that.” The two women in question exchange smiles as Kelley starts the car, still muttering to herself about Emily killing her. 

Three stories about Emily’s dog Bagel later, they’ve pulled up in front of Pike Place, where Christen is getting dropped off. Ashlyn meets them on the side of the road, getting in the passenger seat as Christen gets out. “What’s up, Tobito?” She asks, and Tobin just knows that Kelley has gotten all their friends to call her that. Everyone waves goodbye to Christen and Kelley turns around to look at Tobin. 

“Next stop, Alki Beach!” she grins at Ashlyn as she says it, and suddenly Tobin is a little bit worried that she might actually be murdered. 

Those fears dissipate, though, when they park half an hour later and Tobin gets out to see the beach. The Seattle skyline is clear across the water, light reflecting off of various buildings, and water splashes against the seawall. She can’t help the smile that appears on her face while she takes it in, and it makes her realize how much she’s missed surfing and beaches. 

“Christen told us you like surfing, too, so we thought it would be cool to hang out somewhere near water. Kelley wanted to actually go in, but I talked her down, so we can walk around or do whatever,” Ashlyn says nonchalantly. Kelley is grinning widely on Tobin’s other side, but Tobin is so wrapped up in the fact that the other women are being so nice to her that she doesn’t notice. It doesn’t escape her notice that Christen has been talking about her with other people, either, and she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush, cheeks red and bouncing up and down on her toes at the realization. 

“She’s totally lovesick,” Kelley whispers to Ashlyn as they walk down a hill to the beach, clearly thinking Tobin won’t hear them. But with the wind in her hair, the sounds of waves, and Christen on her mind, Tobin can’t find it in herself to care that much. 

The three choose to just walk down the beach, after some protesting from Kelley who still wants to wade. Tobin pockets a piece of sea glass that reminds her of Christen’s eyes, thinking that maybe she’ll make it into something (a product of another class she took in Portland while she was bored). Kelley is chatty as usual, but even though Tobin has only known her for a couple weeks, Ashlyn seems quiet. 

She breaks her silence unexpectedly when she stops walking and asks, “How did you know you wanted to marry her?” Ashlyn’s gaze is on the horizon, but the question is clearly directed to Kelley, and when Tobin looks down the blonde is playing with a small box in her hand. Kelley shows surprising restraint and doesn’t jump up or down, simply laughing and punching Ash on the shoulder while Tobin watches from behind with a smile. 

“Damn, kid.” Kelley is grinning, patting Ashlyn’s head affectionately. She takes a minute to think before she replies, though, sinking down to sit in the sand while she does. The rest of their group quickly follows, and Tobin and Ashlyn are rapt, waiting for Kelley to talk about love. “Well, I went out and bought the ring when she moved to Seattle. Oh, Tobito, basically Em stayed in Georgia at first to finish university but then moved out here for her last semester after I got a job with the Reign. So, that was huge for her. But even before that, I guess it was just the little things. I felt so comfortable with her, it was insane. The first time I thought 'I want to marry this woman', she had gone out and taken a vegan cooking class just so she could cook for me sometimes. But I only knew about it because I could read her so well, and I knew she was hiding something. That's when I knew I was ready." Kelley is sporting a soft smile when she finishes, twisting her wedding ring around her finger. The look in her eyes is far away, and for a minute Tobin wonders if she looks like that when she thinks about Christen. 

“I’m really happy for you, Ash,” Kelley continues. “If you’re asking for advice, I think it’s the right choice, kiddo. There’s no chance Ali will say no, and it’s about time one of you asked.” Ashlyn is glowing now, beaming as she watches the water. 

“I can’t wait to marry her,” she whispers. Tobin is overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment, and while she feels like a part of the group, it seems important that the two other women have their time together. So she gets up, brushing sand off her thighs, and walks a couple feet away from where she had been sitting. 

Naturally, after all the talk of love, she wants to call Christen, so she doesn’t overthink it and presses the button before she can stop herself. “Hey Toby, what’s up?” Christen picks up immediately, and the grin has returned to Tobin’s face. 

“Nothing, just wanted to say hi.” 

“Well, hi,” Christen laughs. 

Somehow, in that moment, Tobin knows:  _ I can’t wait to marry her.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i do another chapter from someone else's pov? maybe this chapter from kelley's? let me know, i'm terrible at deciding things but that sounds vaguely good so whoop


	16. some shit i just don't need in life, but i need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literally just so'hara fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Yoko Ono by Moby Rich.
> 
> y'all. i'm having so much fun writing married so'hara lol. this chapter is basically the last chapter from kelley's perspective, with a lil bit of backstory, it's a bit of an intermission from preath though (forgive me). 
> 
> unedited, feel free to comment with any thoughts or to tell me it's not horrible. love you guys.

Nothing will ever beat seeing Emily Ann Sonnett wearing the rings Kelley gave her. The older woman wonders every morning how she got so lucky to find someone who not only puts up with her, but lets her be herself so fully (and, if she’s lucky, will join in). 

Now, as her wife gets ready for the day, Kelley sidles up behind her and wraps her in a hug, taking in the familiarity of it all. “Hey baby,” she whispers into Emily’s back.

“Hey Kel,” the other woman replies. “Don’t forget that you have to pick up Chris and Tobin. I love you, but you’re not always on time.” Kelley snorts indignantly, but when Emily turns around with a knowing smirk she has to concede. 

“Fine, I’ll leave in like ten minutes. I just wanted some time with you.” 

“You might have to wait until tonight, honey. Ali and Ash are coming soon.” Emily laughs when Kelley groans, pressing a quick kiss to the older woman’s lips before she wiggles out of Kelley’s arms and walks toward the kitchen. “By the way, has Chris texted you at all?” 

“No, why?” Kelley’s interest is piqued as she follows her wife to the kitchen, helping her put away their breakfast dishes. They move around each other with a practiced ease that comes with four years of living together, spending all their downtime with each other and learning each and every habit. 

Emily stops to look at her, before shrugging and continuing to run water over plates. Kelley is now thoroughly confused, especially after the weird look her wife sent her. “So, apparently they went apartment shopping yesterday.” The younger woman pauses, putting a plate down and grabbing another. She looks lost in thought, an expression that Kelley knows well, has stored away in her memory with all the other expressions her wife makes. “Okay, so according to Christen, they’ve slept in the same bed two nights in a row, Christen is now probably wearing Tobin’s clothes two days in a row, and also they kissed last night.” 

“WHAT?!” Kelley is in shock as her wife finishes with the plates, putting them in a rack to dry and wiping her hands off. 

“Close your mouth, you look like a fish,” Emily grins as she walks past Kelley. “Ali just pulled up, so I’m heading out. Don’t. Be. Late. I love you.” With another quick kiss and an affectionate pat on the older woman’s head, Emily nearly heads out the door. Luckily, Kelley catches her before she does, just so that she can return the sentiment.

“I love you too, Em.” They share a smile, one that makes Kelley feel like they’re the only two people in the world. Even after nearly three years of marriage, Kelley still misses the younger woman, still smiles everytime she sees her wife. 

As Emily heads out the door, Kelley knows that this is where she belongs.

… 

Alki Beach has always been one of Kelley’s favorite spots in Seattle. It was where she went before Emily followed her to Seattle, when she missed the other woman so badly that it felt like a hole had been ripped in her chest. It was where she found herself on days when she needed to think, or days she couldn’t stop smiling; she had gone on too many dates with Emily there to count and still remembered every single one of them, memories that made her smile whenever she saw the familiar sand and water. 

Now, standing on the seawall with Tobin and Ashlyn, the beach looks as appealing as ever. Kelley loves the water, a love that’s second only to her love for Emily, and she was only half-joking when she suggested that the three try swimming. 

It doesn’t escape Kelley’s notice that when Ash mentions Chris, Tobin immediately grins dopeily, her cheeks reddening. Which is why she waits just a couple seconds for Tobin to walk a few feet away before whispering to Ash. “She’s totally lovesick.” Maybe it’s a little too loud, because Kelley has never been great at volume control, but Tobin’s ears go bright red and for just a second she seems lost in the horizon. Kelley knows better than anyone what it’s like to pine, run from feelings; she just hopes the new couple can get their shit together in time before something happens.

The three women walk down the beach after that, Kelley talking about anything she sees and still trying to convince the other two to at least dip their toes into the water. Tobin is quiet as usual, but Ashlyn is almost too quiet, something that Kelley notices but figures the other woman will bring up when she’s ready. Of course, that leaves it to Kelley to fill up the silence, and fill it up she does. “Guys, has anyone ever caught a seagull? What would y’all give me if I could catch one? Do you think you could train it, like a carrier pigeon? How many people have died from goose attacks?” 

Before Kelley can start chasing the seagulls and try to catch one, though, Ashlyn finally breaks her silence. “How did you know you wanted to marry her?” 

Kelley just happens to glance down, at Ashlyn’s hands fidgeting with a small box, and she can’t believe it. Ali and Ash have been her friends for years, and they deserve to finally get married; Kelley can’t hold back a grin as she punches Ash lightly (but she makes a point not to get too excited and ruin the seriousness of the moment, something she’s been said to do). 

“Damn, kid.” It’s all she can say right now, because really there are a million ways Kelley could reply, a million little moments that cemented her desire to marry Em over the years. Everything from the way the other woman smiles, like she always knows more than she’s letting on, to their very first date and the spark that Kelley felt just looking into her eyes. It takes her a moment to process the question, mind running through every memory of their time together, but eventually she lands on a specific date. With her hand on Ashlyn’s head, patting it in a gesture Ash learned to deal with long ago, she knows it’s the right thing to say; she sinks to the sand to ground herself before she lets it all out. “Well, I went out and bought the ring when she moved to Seattle. Oh, Tobito, basically Em stayed in Georgia at first to finish university but then moved out here for her last semester after I got a job with the Reign. So, that was huge for her. But even before that, I guess it was just the little things. I felt so comfortable with her, it was insane.” She thinks about moving in with Em, making their home across the country from their family (but it didn’t matter, as long as they had each other). Another moment pops up, though, a moment when Kelley knew with every fiber of her being that she was _ready_. “The first time I thought 'I want to marry this woman', she had gone out and taken a vegan cooking class just so she could cook for me sometimes. But I only knew about it because I could read her so well, and I knew she was hiding something. That's when I knew I was ready." Kelley is smiling when she finishes, lost in the memory. Her hand gravitates to her wedding ring, twisting it in a habit she picked up years ago, a way to feel closer to Emily. 

She realizes that everybody else is waiting for her to finish, though, so she clears her throat and continues. “I’m really happy for you, Ash. If you’re asking for advice, I think it’s the right choice, kiddo. There’s no chance Ali will say no, and it’s about time one of you asked.” Ashlyn doesn’t reply, instead looking out across the water. She hasn’t even stopped Kelley from calling her “kiddo” once, a strange affectionate nickname the short woman gave to everyone older than herself (and one they all hate). 

Out of the corner of her eye, Kelley notices Tobin lurking a few feet behind the other two. She notices when Tobin pulls out her phone, when she greets Christen softly. Tobin isn’t even getting married, but the glow she carries is comparable to Ashlyn’s as she scopes out a spot in the sand and keeps talking to Christen. 

“I can’t wait to marry her,” Ashlyn says, pulling Kelley’s attention back to the blonde. She has a dopey smile on her face as she plays with the box, and Kelley pulls her into a tight hug and smiles into her shoulder. 

“You’re gonna love having a wife, dude.”

… 

“I’m home!” Kelley calls later that evening after she hangs up her keys and greets Bagel, their dog. Emily waves from the living room, watching as the shorter woman finishes taking her shoes and sweatshirt off. 

“Hey honey,” her wife finally replies as Kelley makes her way to the couch to join the other woman. The brunette throws a leg over her wife so that she’s straddling her, kissing her softly before she pulls away to tell the other woman the news. 

“Ash is gonna propose to Ali,” Kelley says quickly before she can get distracted by the kisses Emily is placing on her neck. The tables are turned from the morning, because now Emily is the one who looks shocked. She takes a minute to settle back on the couch, pulling Kelley with her so that every part of them is touching in a languid embrace. 

“Shit, really?” Kelley nods into Emily’s neck as she settles into the other woman, letting any worry from the day melt as she takes in her wife’s familiar scent. “Everyone is growing up, Kel,” Emily laughs. The two wives have always felt protective of their friends’ relationships, felt some sense of seniority as the only actual married couple. 

“Have I told you how much I love you today?” It’s muffled by Emily’s shirt, but Kelley knows the point got across when she feels strong hands pressing her impossibly closer along with a kiss placed on her forehead. 

“You have, as a matter of fact,” the blonde replies quietly. 

“Well, I love you. So much, baby.” Kelley’s eyes are starting to droop as she takes in the warmth of Emily’s skin, the comfort of being held. 

“I love you so much too.”

There were so many moments that made Kelley want to marry the other woman, but there are infinitely more that make her glad she did.


	17. looking forward to the day when life can grow without decay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wedding preparations, pinoe, and moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is creature by half•alive.
> 
> we're nearing the end!!!! i'm guessing there'll be five or six more chapters tops, but everything will be wrapping up soon. it's been a wild ride, y'all. good news though - started working on my so'hara story in this universe, which will be published when this one finishes up. 
> 
> otherwise i don't have much to say, except: unedited, wrote this pretty quickly and not super confident in it, feel free to comment as usual and enjoy!

When Christen gets sent a video of Ashlyn down on one knee, Ali nodding frantically beside her, she has to hold back a squeal of happiness. The first thing she does is shoot a glance over at Tobin, trying to communicate with a look that she can't believe she wasn't told about this. Tobin seems to get it, though, because she just smirks and ducks her head, leaving Christen staring at the prettiness of the faint red on her cheeks and the way she bites her bottom lip when she concentrates.

It already seems like forever ago since they kissed, since Christen was wearing Tobin’s clothes and trying not to combust. She had only realized how much she depends on Tobin’s presence when Tobin wasn’t there to curl into as they slept, when she couldn’t hold hands with the other woman on demand or see her smile whenever she turned. Even spending a few days without the older woman felt like too long after they had spent days together. 

Christen only realizes she’s been staring at Tobin for a creepily long time when her gaze gets torn away by what can only be described as a pink-haired tornado. Their boss’s girlfriend has walked into the office space, immediately announcing “I’m here, bitches!” before being pulled into Sue’s office abruptly with a muffled “oomf” sound. Christen’s phone is vibrating, and she guesses it has something to do with the confused look Tobin is sending her.

[Toby] at 9:02

Who tf is that

I have so many questions

[Chris] at 9:05

Sue’s girlfriend lol

Megan, she’s kinda wild but you’ll like her

[Toby] at 9:08

Why is she here tho ?????

[Chris] at 9:10

Guessing it’s something to do with the wedding you didn’t tell me abt

Tobin is smiling sheepishly across the room when Christen looks up. She gives an exaggerated shrug, looking down at her phone again, but then seems to decide against it and walks across the room. “Hey,” she greets Christen quietly, following it up with a quick kiss. 

“I missed you,” Christen is blurting out before she can stop herself. Tobin freezes where she’s now sitting on the floor, and the younger woman has to resist the urge to bang her head against her desk. 

Sometimes Tobin is impossible to read, and this is one of those times. Because she’s still sitting frozen, just taking in Christen, and she thinks that maybe it was too much. Maybe Tobin is freaking out, realizing that Christen is a weirdo and she doesn’t actually like her. Which is why Tobin surprises Christen when she says “I’m right there” in a soft voice, a little bit raspy in a way Christen loves. “I missed you too, though.” The younger woman can’t even process the way Tobin is biting her lip, looking up through her eyelashes, because of course Megan chooses that exact moment to come bursting back out through the door. 

“Christen Press, where are you?” She calls, much too loudly for an office. Christen can’t help but smile, though, and Pinoe’s face lights up when they make eye contact. 

“I said no more yelling,” Sue hisses from next to the pink-haired woman, but it’s fond in a way that lets everybody know she loves Megan with everything she has. 

“Sorry, baby,” Megan grins. She has her hands up in a surrendering motion, and Sue just shakes her head (the love in her eyes is hard to miss, and Christen hopes desperately that someday she’ll get to experience that). 

When Pinoe finally makes her way over under the watchful eye of her girlfriend, Christen is already standing and ready to hug her. They embrace briefly and Pinoe ruffles her hair before turning her attention to Tobin, still sitting on the floor. “Who’s this, Press?” 

“I’m Tobin,” she introduces herself as Christen helps pull her up from the floor. “Why do you look familiar?” 

“I play for the Reign,” Pinoe says offhandedly, but Tobin’s face lights up. 

“I’m always loyal to the Thorns, but you guys have had really good couple seasons,” Tobin says easily, and just like that, the two are immersed in talking about soccer. Christen ends up to the side with Sue, the two watching their significant others hit it off. 

“It’s nice to see you so happy,” Sue comments. They’ve been friends for a long time, since Christen has been one of the only constants in the office over the years. The green-eyed woman doesn’t know how to reply to that though, so she just stutters and blushes (she’s a mess when it comes to Tobin; she always has been and she’s starting to think that she always will be). “I’m going to pull Megan away before she decides she doesn’t actually want to take you to wedding prep.” 

Sue leaves, distracting Pinoe so that Tobin can escape, but Christen stays rooted to the spot, staring wide-eyed at Tobin and thinking about what her boss said. She’s still thinking about it when Megan collects her, chattering away about tuxes and cake as they walk to the car. 

“I like her. You two seem like a good match,” Megan says right before they leave the parking garage, and Christen knows that now she’ll be thinking about it all day. 

… 

To Christen’s surprise, weeks of wedding prep go by in a blur. It only seems to slow down when Tobin is finally moving into her apartment, and ends up recruiting the younger woman to help her carry all the boxes up the stairs since the elevator is broken. 

“Remind me again why I agreed to this,” Christen pants at one point as they rest on a landing. Tobin’s apartment is on the sixth floor, and their afternoon together has quickly turned into a full-on workout. 

“Because you really like me, and we get to chill and watch Parks and Rec after this,” Tobin smirks. Christen feels her face light up in a blush, something that only gets worse when Tobin moves closer so that their lips are millimeters away. “I really like you, too, for what it’s worth,” she murmurs into Christen’s lips as they kiss slowly. 

Lately they’ve both been getting more comfortable with shows of affection, something that’s likely the product of spending nearly all their free time together. They’ve been at Christen’s apartment or Tobin’s room most days, cuddled together while they each do their own thing. It’s something that Christen is extremely glad for, something she can always look forward to if a grant hasn’t gone through or one of their coworkers is being annoying at work. On more than one occasion, Emily has given them a weird looks, or elbowed Christen and hissed “Why haven’t you fucking moved in together yet?” 

Really, Christen doesn’t have a good answer to that question, because she would love to live with Tobin. But right now, she’s focused on just being with the other woman fully, learning every little habit and getting closer (both physically and emotionally). 

By the time the two women have gotten half of Tobin’s stuff up to the apartment, it’s nearly eight at night and both are starving. They order pizza while they lay on the empty floor, both still out of breath. After Tobin hangs up with the pizza place, she turns to Christen, who’s caught off guard by the openness in the older woman’s brown eyes. “Do you ever wonder where we would be if I hadn’t moved here?” 

And the truth is that Christen has, more than she’ll ever admit. “Yeah, but I try not to dwell on it,” she replies quietly (even though it may be the thing she dwells on the most, because she can’t imagine her life without Tobin in it anymore). 

“I guess, but you—” Tobin stops for a second, clears her throat, and then forges ahead in a voice that’s soft and rough at the same time, a voice Christen could listen to for the rest of her life. “Chris, you feel important. I had no idea how… life-changing this would be when I was packing up in Portland.” She doesn’t say it, but it’s right there in hazel eyes and a face that Christen can read better than most:  _ “You were life-changing.”  _

Maybe, Christen thinks, she won’t need to worry about the past or the future, as long as Tobin is in her present. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would y'all like a more in-depth moving chapter or more details about christen's involvement in the wedding? i realize i glossed over both of those so let me know your opinions :)


	18. i was kissing my only one, left my pain with the breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mountains are pretty (but christen is prettier)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Glory by Maverick Sabre.
> 
> turns out writing is a great way to procrastinate, except when you start procrastinating writing and then it all just gets confusing. anyway, here it is! i kind of can't believe that we're eighteen chapters in already, but i'm having so much fun writing this (sneak peek: the so'hara story in this universe is in the works and also very fun). 
> 
> i'm pretty happy with the second half, not so sure about the first, but i hope y'all enjoy regardless. let me know what you think! seriously, it's super motivating and also just makes me feel good, so keep it up (please) because i love it and really appreciate it!! as usual, unedited. have fun.

Tobin is going to find a way to repay Christen for everything she’s done. She makes up her mind one day at work, after the other woman adds to Tobin’s ever-growing collection of silly pens and knick-knacks that are starting to take over her desk. 

Lucky for Tobin, she stumbles upon the perfect way to do it late one night browsing AirBnB. It’s a house on Mt. Baker, somewhere Christen had mentioned wanting to visit. Tobin immediately falls in love with it, and she knows that Christen will too. So she books the place for a long weekend, prints out the information, and starts packing. 

It turns out that finding a nice house is easy. Now Tobin has come to the hard part—figuring out how to ask her girlfriend to drive up to a secluded house in the woods and stay there overnight without sounding like a stalkery weirdo.

Her chances are quickly slipping away, though, and soon she only has a few days to ask the younger woman before they’re supposed to leave. 

Which is why she’s surprised when Christen starts poking her one day at lunch and asks, “Why are you so zoned out lately? This is stretching the whole ‘chill’ thing a bit.” She’s grinning, and as usual the younger woman’s smile is infectious. Tobin finds herself smiling back, and it’s enough to remind her why she wanted to spend a weekend with the other woman in the first place.

“I’m sorry in advance if this is weird—”

“Spit it out, Tobin, we don’t have all day,” Christen teases. Tobin can feel herself flushing under the attention, and she resorts to fidgeting with her hands under the table in an effort to calm her nerves. 

“Um, so I found a really nice house on Mt. Baker that I rented for a couple days and I was wondering if you would come with me.” It’s not a question as much as a statement, Tobin already bracing for imminent rejection. 

Instead, she looks up to find Christen sitting back in her seat, the picture of relaxation, smiling at Tobin with her eyebrows raised. “Seriously? That’s what you were so worried about?” Tobin is about to protest, but Christen cuts her off, smiling even wider now. “Tobs, of course I’ll go with you. That sounds amazing.” 

Except the thing is, Tobin still has one more hurdle to jump before she’s in the clear. Because there’s one detail she hasn’t mentioned yet: “But, before you get all excited, we would have to leave tomorrow.” To Tobin’s relief, Christen’s expression stays constant. 

“I’ll go get packed, then,” the younger woman says as she gets up to put her dishes away. “I guess I’ll see you when you pick me up.” And with a quick kiss, the younger woman is walking out of the cafe, leaving Tobin wondering where the hell she’s going to get a car to pick Christen up with. 

… 

The drive is fairly uneventful, as far as roadtrips go. It’s been smooth sailing ever since Christen took over the wheel after Tobin nearly crashed the minute they left Seattle, without any major interruptions. For the most part, Tobin just relaxes and hums along to the playlist Christen chose, a slower mix that fits the quiet towns and sleepy rest stops they drive through. 

Tobin is content to watch the scenery and the woman beside her. She’s never seen rural Washington (or much of Washington at all, really), and it’s surprising how quickly they transitioned from city to farmland. 

They’re about an hour in when Christen unexpectedly pulls into a parking lot. The sound of her car door jolts Tobin out of the lull she had slipped into, slowly nodding off as the towns blended together. “Where are we?” she mumbles confusedly, trying to get her bearings as she steps out of the car and stretches.

“We’re going hiking,” Christen replies. “This place has great views, and traffic wasn’t bad, so I thought we could make a quick stop.” Tobin shrugs and locks the car, following Christen to a sign announcing the trails, called Artist Point. 

It’s been a while since Tobin was hiking, something she realizes as soon as she starts lagging behind Christen a bit. As the first bits of dusk start to settle around them, though, Tobin is perfectly content to walk at her own pace (not to mention that this way, she can observe Christen without looking weird). 

Tobin ends up getting so lost in her head that she almost bumps into the other woman when she stops. The near-collision prompts Tobin to look up, and the view before her immediately takes her breath away. 

Mountains are spread out in front of them, framed by snowy forests and an entire color palette in the sky as the sun sinks. The snow has settled onto the sloping pines like a soft blanket, letting glimpses of green through if Tobin really focuses. The mountain peaks are a different story; the colors of sunset are cut by the jutting rock faces, but even the sharp points and hard stone of the mountains are softened by their surroundings, snow and a rainbow sky taking away from the sharpness of the summits. 

The reminder of how small humans really are is sobering, but the mountains are nothing compared to the way Tobin has to suppress a gasp when she turns to take in Christen. The other woman’s green eyes are reflecting the snow miles away, a forest of their own, while the sky paints her skin a lovely shade that Tobin can’t even find words for and illuminates her hair in a way that makes Tobin think that she would give anything for a camera right now. “Chris, you’re so beautiful…” 

She doesn’t realize she’s voiced her thoughts out loud until Christen turns to face her, eyes dancing with amusement and with flecks of gold appearing in the light that Tobin hasn’t noticed before. “This entire view, and you chose me?” It’s teasing, but Tobin can hear the hint of insecurity that always seems to accompany Christen, something she’s become accustomed to the more she hears Christen’s voice (although she’ll do anything in her power to make it go away, anything to make Christen see herself the way Tobin sees her). 

“Always you.” It comes out a bit breathless, and entirely more honest than Tobin had planned to be. But here, on a ledge surrounded by one-of-a-kind beauty, seems like a good enough place to be honest. “I don’t think you know how many times I would choose you.”

Christen’s eyes flicker with something that Tobin can’t quite place as the other woman bites her lip. It can’t be bad, though, because after a moment Christen is sliding her hand into Tobin’s and wrapping their arms together. They stand like that for a long moment, watching the sunset with Christen’s head on Tobin’s shoulder. 

For a short while, it feels like they might be the only two people in the world. And Tobin realizes on the walk back that she would be perfectly fine with that.

… 

By the time they get to the house, it’s started snowing. The large flakes are something that Tobin has only seen a few times in her life, and she can’t help but frolic around in them for a few minutes after they pull in. Christen just stands outside the door with a small smile, watching but not joining in. 

With some convincing, Christen joins Tobin in sitting on the steps and basking in the strange glow that snow always seems to bring. The ground is slowly getting coated as stars come out, and Tobin grabs her first chance to hold the younger woman close when she starts shivering slightly. 

“Did you mean it?” Her teeth are chattering now, but Tobin knows exactly what Christen is asking about, had a sneaking suspicion that they weren’t done with that conversation.

“Of course.” Tobin lays back, leaning against a higher step and pulling Christen into her. The new angle gives her a better vantage point of the stars, and Orion glimmers above them. Tobin can feel flakes starting to collect on her face, but the cold doesn’t bother her as long as Christen is nearby. “Chris, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I know that we haven’t really talked about this since the ‘chicken incident’,” she has to pause here to formulate her thoughts as Christen laughs quietly, curling more into Tobin’s side. “I think… well, I know, really, that I’m in love with you. And that I would probably spend forever with you doing whatever you wanted, as long as it meant I would be able to spend time with you.” What she doesn’t say, what hangs heavy in the air between them, is that forever isn’t an exaggeration. She doesn’t say that Christen is the love of her life, that she would follow the woman to the ends of the Earth and back again if it meant she would be happy. 

Christen doesn’t say anything, but she turns into Tobin a bit more and brings their lips together. They’re both cold, a hint of chattering teeth invading the kiss, but it might be Tobin’s favorite kiss yet. She would be happy staying in the moment for the rest of time, kissing Christen with snow slowly falling around them and the knowledge that the woman she’s in love with most likely (probably, hopefully) feels the same way about her.

Eventually they find their way into the house. Even though there are multiple beds, they fall into the same one, both wearing Christen’s pajamas after Tobin declared that she didn’t want to carry her bag in from the car. Christen had made it extremely clear after their time outside that she was very cold, and now curls into Tobin’s chest under the blankets.

They fall asleep like that, Tobin slowly stroking Christen’s hair and the younger woman’s arms around Tobin’s middle, burrowed into her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're ever in washington, hmu and i'll give you a list of places to visit lol. mt. baker and mt. rainier are most certainly where you'll get some of the prettiest views though. also, this airbnb, although unspecified, is a real place and it's fucking gorgeous. 
> 
> thoughts? feelings? let me know and i'll think and feel with you :))


	19. living for your every move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wedding prep, dreams, and possible foreshadowing ??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is My My My! by Troye Sivan.
> 
> light TW for mentions of self-harm/depression, mostly related to recovery. 
> 
> reading this back it seems kind of disjointed, but i just needed to get something out there otherwise this would never have been updated. sorry in advance if this sucks; unedited and definitely not my favorite but i hope you enjoy regardless. 
> 
> you might have noticed we have a definite end number of chapters now! this story is nearing its end, so it feels appropriate to once again thank anyone and everyone who's left a comment, kudos, or even just taken time out of your day to read this. i am terrible at replying to comments and never know what to say, but just know that i see every single one and they're all appreciated. 
> 
> as always, take care of yourselves.

After their weekend on the mountain, Christen starts spending more time at Tobin’s apartment than her own. The space is slowly coming together, starting to look more like a home as Tobin accumulates more furniture and various decorations (most of which are pictures of the two of them together or Tobin goofing off with Kelley, Emily, or Ashlyn). 

Something feels different, though, mostly because Christen can’t shake the image of Tobin at sunset, staring at her with an intensity that made Christen melt. Every time their eyes meet, the younger woman’s mind goes straight to memories of them sleeping as close as humanly possible, of Tobin’s lips on her neck as she woke up, Tobin outlined in snow and sunrise as she sipped coffee by the river. 

And then it clicks, one day out of nowhere when she tells Tobin that she wishes they were at home. The other woman doesn’t even seem to realize, but Christen is sure that she’s lighting up with a blush, because she just called Tobin’s apartment home.

Really, though, Tobin has become her home. Because even when the rooms were empty and they cuddled on a mattress, Christen was content to be there as long as Tobin was with her. 

(She would be content anywhere, she realizes, as long as Tobin was there.)

It’s small things like “home” that somehow make the biggest changes between them. Christen has her own drawer in Tobin’s dresser, a space in the closet. They’ve settled into a new routine outside of work, one where Christen cooks and Tobin does the dishes and laundry and after work they just sit and talk, either lounging spread out on the couch or with every part of them touching. 

Another realization Christen has come to is that time seems to go a lot faster when you have someone to spend it with. Months of wedding prep fly by, both Christen and Tobin heavily involved in the planning. Sometimes their entire evenings are just calling vendors, getting confirmation or setting up meetings. They divide and conquer, and once they learn who’s better at what and how the other works, they’re absolutely unstoppable. Christen put herself in charge of budgeting at the beginning, knowing that she was most sensible, and with Tobin’s help she has the entire thing laid out in a few days. Tobin, meanwhile, coordinates the various stylists, sets up invitations, stationary, cutlery; at one point Ashlyn declares her “queen of anything sharp” after the invitations give them all several papercuts. 

As the big day gets closer, so do Christen and Tobin. They talk about anything and everything, except Christen’s scars, a topic that somehow seems a little too dangerous even for them. 

That changes, for better or worse, when Christen has a dream one night. She dreams of winning a championship in high school without Tobin, vivid memories of looking through the stands conjured in her mind. That day had felt surreal, nearly impossible without Tobin there, and it’s only more surreal while Christen is asleep; she spins around for what seems like hours searching for the other woman while the pitch empties around her, teammates meeting their loved ones and going off to celebrate.

Meanwhile, Christen is left alone, and eventually she’s the last one left standing on the field, still waiting for Tobin. She falls down to the turf, legs aching and a headache coming on. Tobin never comes, and she can’t help but think that maybe it’s her fault. 

The dream ends abruptly when Christen is shaken awake by a half-asleep Tobin. “You okay? You were mumbling,” Tobin asks in her raspy morning voice that Christen could never get enough of. It’s still dark, but Christen can just make out a vague outline of the other woman, and she focuses on that instead of her damp cheeks and beating heart. 

“Yeah. Just… just a dream.” Her hands are shaking slightly, something she only realizes when Tobin stills them with her own hands. She hadn’t had that dream in years, ever since she settled down in Seattle and tried her best to stop thinking about how she let Tobin get away. _Why is it back now?_

“Tell me,” Tobin whispers. They’re still holding hands, and Tobin tugs the younger woman closer, wrapping her up in a hug. Christen lets herself get lost in the feeling of Tobin all around her, a feeling that she never wants to forget. 

Telling Tobin about the dream seems like crossing a line somehow, seems just a little too vulnerable. Christen is feeling brave, but not that brave, so she searches for an excuse. It’s then that something occurs to her, something that Christen has been aching to tell Tobin, something that might have been brought on by the feeling of helplessness that Christen was reminded of in her dream (a feeling that only happened when she didn’t have Tobin, a feeling she experienced her entire senior year of high school and well into adulthood). It feels like a good time for a confession, while the sky is dark and they’re close to each other. Before Christen can overthink it, she puts her truth (well, a different truth than Tobin wanted, but a truth all the same) out between them. 

“Thank you for making me strong. In high school, I mean. I don’t know if I would have made it without you.”

Tobin takes a while to reply. The silence makes Christen’s heart hammer even faster, and she knows that her hands would be shaking again if Tobin wasn’t still holding them. She knows that Tobin is thinking, though, formulating her words, so she tries not to bolt out of the room and hide. And then, finally, the older woman says something that Christen was never expecting. “Honey, do you really think that?” 

Christen is unsure now, even though Tobin’s voice is sweet with just a little bit of sadness around the edges that she’s learned to recognize. “...Yes?” It’s a question more than anything else, because Christen truly doesn’t know what to say. Tobin was her lifeline throughout high school, something to cling onto when everything else was falling apart. But apparently, Tobin doesn’t think the same, and that terrifies Christen more than she’s willing to admit. 

“Chris… you never needed me.” Tobin pauses again, and then, seemingly sensing Christen’s protest building, hugs the younger woman even tighter and gently shushes her. “Just let me talk for a second. I know I’m not always the best with words, so it might take a couple tries. What I’m trying to say is… I never made you strong, Chris. You did that all on your own. I read this thing, once. It went something along the lines of people who ask for help fighting depression are never weak. I don’t think you realize this, but you found me when you were at your lowest, and I saw how tired you were. It was like the life was being sucked out of you, and I could just tell that you had been dealing with this for years. 

“But you found me, even when you were being beaten down, and you showed up and said ‘hey, this is really hard right now. I need something to fight with, even if it’s a stick.’ So I gave you that stick whenever I could, and I watched you fight through all your demons. You took that stick and you fought through hell. You stayed and fought no matter how beat down you might have been, and all you had was a stick. That’s… that’s fucking incredible, Chris. But what you need to realize is that it was never the stick that beat down all your demons. Sure, the stick was a tool, but the fighting—that was all you. All I did was hand out a stick, and you took that and made it through everything—” Tobin’s voice breaks just the slightest bit, and Christen feels reassured in knowing that she isn’t the only one full-on crying now. 

“You made it through everything,” she continues. “And I never gave you that strength, Chris. I might have helped, but you were the one staying alive. You were the one fighting. You had that strength all along, you still have it. I can’t believe how far you’ve come, even if you still have bad days. You’re so strong and you don’t even realize it—you always were.” 

Silence settles between them, cut through only by quiet sniffles and the sheets rustling as Christen reaches up to wipe her eyes. “Thank you for giving me the stick, then, Tobs,” Christen finally squeaks out. 

“I’ll give you as many sticks as it takes,” Tobin replies, softly kissing the top of the younger woman’s head. “Go to sleep, baby. I’ve got you.”

Finally, Christen takes her advice. The last thing she hears before she drifts into a dreamless sleep is a whispered “I've always got you”, so quiet that she wonders if it was meant to be heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by this: https://www.lee.org/blog/2016/03/25/on-depression-i-dont-like-the-phrase-a-cry-for-help/
> 
> this chapter deals with something that i honestly still have a hard time believing myself, but is more true than a lot of people realize. it always pisses me off when tv shows have a dude say 'you're beautiful' and then a girl stops cutting, so this is my way of combating that lol. 
> 
> i guarantee you're stronger than you know, sometimes all we need is someone to help us realize that.


	20. the world's not perfect, but it's not that bad if we got each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a whole lot of love, tears, and something else...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is If We Have Each Other by Alec Benjamin.
> 
> so, everything is kind of insane right now. covid-19 has fucked a lot of things up, but for this story we're just gonna pretend it doesn't exist (although i was thinking of writing a one-shot about it ??). i was also broken up with pretty recently, so it's been hard to sit down and write, but i'm still going to finish this out no matter what. having said that, there might be re-writes in the future, but we'll see if that actually happens lol. 
> 
> i'm thinking i'll write a short story that's basically this chapter from ash and ali's perspective, so that'll get a lot more in-depth to remedy the fact that most of this was focused on preath. otherwise, you know the drill: unedited, please please please let me know how you feel about this and the story so far! i love all the comments, and thank you everyone that's been commenting! enjoy :)

Tobin’s first thought when she arrives on the plateau where the wedding is being held is that everything looks incredible. 

Lights have been strung up along the trees, and just-blooming wildflowers ring the chairs that stand before the altar. Tobin had been involved in the planning, but not so much the actual set-up, so she hadn’t seen the whole thing put together until now, the day of the wedding. Leave it to Ashlyn and Ali to choose somewhere unconventional and make it beautiful (Tobin knows for a fact that it’s unconventional, she spent many long hours on the phone with national park staff trying to make a wedding on Mt. Rainier happen; she knows now that she would devote those hours a hundred times over as long as it led to this). 

Even surrounded by beauty, though, Christen is what takes her breath away. 

The other woman is a vision, decked out in her pale bridesmaid dress. Most people are changing into proper wedding attire on-site, after they make the climb up part of the mountain, and it’s become a blessing in disguise because Tobin knows that if she had seen Christen like this before they left, the two most definitely would have been late. 

Ali trails behind Christen, staring around her as they slowly make their way over to Tobin. Christen gives her girlfriend a soft kiss before they both turn to the bride-to-be, arms wrapped around each other as they watch her take everything in. “You guys, it’s beautiful,” Ali breathes in wonderment, and she’s already tearing up. Since they could only negotiate to get the plateau for a day, nobody but their friends who were in charge of set-up had seen the place yet. 

They were right, though—the wait only made everything more special. 

“I’m getting married, you guys,” Ali beams, but Tobin can feel Christen’s panic because the woman wasn’t supposed to be crying yet. She has to keep herself from laughing as Christen lunges over to Ali, engulfing her in a tight hug and hissing that she can’t mess up her make-up yet or Emily will kill her. 

“Suck the tears back in,” Christen whispers desperately as she steers Ali back towards the small tent they’re all using as headquarters. 

Tobin takes that as her cue to leave, so she makes her way over to the opposite side of the clearing to Ashlyn’s tent. This side has music blaring from underneath the canvas, and knowing Kelley there’s already an abundance of beer. Tobin only gets more confirmation of this when she hears Ash yelling, “I’m getting married, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!!” 

When Tobin ducks into the tent, she’s greeted immediately by Kelley flying into her arms. Ashlyn’s bridesmaids offset Ali’s in that they’re all dressed in tuxedos or black dresses, with the bride herself outshining them all in a glittery black tux. Kelley pulls away from Tobin slightly, only to whisper directly into her ear “do you think I could get remarried to Em? Wait, what if we got divorced?!” Kelley is out of the tent and speeding to her wife before Tobin can stop her, leaving Megan and Ashlyn there with Tobin. 

“This is incredible, Tobito!” Ashlyn shouts as she engulfs the younger woman in a hug.

“I did things, too,” Megan grumbles from across the tent, but Ash is too busy trying to crush Tobin in her arms to pay any attention to the pink-haired woman. 

It only takes a few minutes for Megan and Ash to get into a heated debate about whether wearing a tie automatically makes you a top, giving Tobin an opportunity to slip back outside the tent and search out Christen again. Her girlfriend looks stressed, standing in the middle of the clearing and running a hand through her hair, so Tobin sidles up behind her and slowly kisses her neck. 

“Relax, baby, everything is going according to plan.” 

“Did the plan include Kelley trying to convince Emily that they should get divorced so they can be remarried, Ali messing up all her make-up because she can’t stop crying, and Ashlyn probably already drunk?” Christen is getting more worked up by the minute, and Tobin knows that she needs to calm the woman down before she flees down the side of the mountain. 

Lucky for her, she has the perfect response. “Deep breaths, Chris. We literally did plan for this. Remember? We gave everyone a time an hour earlier than they really needed to be here. Because we’re geniuses, and this wedding will be perfect.” Christen relaxes into Tobin’s arms when she realizes, and they both take a minute to stand and bask in what they’ve put together for her friends. “This is going to be the best wedding ever.” 

Christen turns around to face Tobin, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Well, I hope not, because you’ll have to find a way to top this for our wedding,” She murmurs into the kiss. Tobin is left shocked, gaping at Christen as she walks away with a wink. 

… 

In the end, everything falls into place and the wedding goes off without a hitch. 

Well, nearly. Right before the actual wedding, Christen expects everything to fall apart when they get a call from the officiant saying that she can’t make it.

It’s safe to say that everyone in the vicinity is shocked when Tobin steps up and volunteers. They end up having just enough time for her to get certified online and write a quick speech before the guests start filing in.

Everything settles down quickly and Christen ends up standing next to Kyle, Ali’s brother, behind the woman as they wait for Ashlyn and her bridesmaids to make their way down the aisle. Ali’s gasp when she sees Ash for the first time makes everything worth it, and it’s clear that they only have eyes for each other as Ash walks up to the altar. 

The glances both of them send to each other make Christen ache for a moment like this of her own, something she wasn’t even fully aware she wanted until she had gotten into Ali’s tent and saw her all dressed up.

Tobin clears her throat to grab everyone’s attention once Ash and her bridesmaids are in place. The two brides-to-be both look incredible, and Ali is already sniffling again. That only gets worse when Tobin starts her speech.

“Friends, we have been invited here today to share with Alexandra and Ashlyn a very important moment in their lives. In the words of Vincent Van Gogh: ‘Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.’ Ashlyn and Ali, you are two of the strongest women I know. You have shown me what love is, and what it can do. You’ve demonstrated the importance of love to overcome hardships, love to gain strength from, love for love itself. I can only hope that one day I know as much about love as you two.” Tobin’s eyes travel to Christen’s as she says this, and the piece of paper her speech was written out on ends up folded into a pocket as Tobin’s gaze stays locked on the younger woman. 

“Love is a powerful tool. It can do so many things; standing before us is just one example of two people brought together, ready to commit themselves fully to each other. Love is hope, something nearly every little girl or boy wishes to have someday. This,” Tobin gestures around them, “is that dream, that wish realized. And in that capacity, love is magical, because it can grant wishes, make dreams become a reality. When I was a kid, I would have looked up to these two women. They’ve overcome so much to get here. Really, I still look up to them as an example, a reminder of what love can do. A reminder not to give up on love, because sometimes it works miracles.

“Wherever love takes you two, it will be incredible. Whatever hardships you encounter, you will overcome. Anything you do will be done well, as long as you do it with love. Love can make anything happen. This is proof. Carry that love into the next phase of your relationship, and never let it go, and you will only grow stronger. I believe you have vows prepared?” Tobin steps back, eyes still on Christen. The younger woman feels chills down her spine after the incredible speech, and it seems that there is not one dry eye in the audience. Ali is crying again, sniffling as Ashlyn starts her vows. 

By the time Tobin steps forward and announces “by the power vested in me by the state of Washington, I pronounce you wife and wife. You may now kiss each other!” everyone in the clearing has gone through a veritable mountain of tissues. The sun has dipped below the horizon, and the string lights are illuminating the trees. Everything feels magical, even moreso as Ali and Ashlyn separate from their kiss grinning. 

The two brides are anxious to get to the reception and start partying, so they quickly herd everyone down the path out of the clearing. Tobin and Christen volunteer to stay behind for a bit and start cleaning up, and Christen is just glad to get a minute to themselves.

“That was an incredible speech,” she whispers as they round the plateau, gathering stray tissues and picking up anything that could become litter. Tobin just shrugs bashfully, rubbing the back of her neck. 

“I just said what I wanted to say to you,” the other woman admits.

Christen thinks that she has never been this much in love with someone in her life. 

Eventually the two make it down to the reception, only half an hour late. They finished the preliminary cleaning quickly, but ended up making out after that. Christen can still feel the ghost of Tobin’s lips on hers as they walk into the small hotel where the reception is, and she knows that they probably look a little too disheveled for simply “cleaning”. Nonetheless, they could both care less. After all, they're celebrating love. It really doesn’t get much better.

When they enter the hall where the reception is, the party is already in full swing. There’s an open bar, and some people (read: Kelley) have clearly been taking advantage of it. Everyone is on the dance floor, surrounding Ashlyn grinding on Ali. Christen immediately drags Tobin over to join them.

The night passes quickly. Everything is perfect, especially with Tobin’s words about love ringing in Christen’s ears every time they kiss. At some point, Christen makes up her mind—she loves Tobin, and she’s going to say it tonight. 

She gets her chance when they find themselves outside, taking a breath and keeping a watchful eye on Kelley, who’s slumped into Christen. For the past few hours, it’s felt like her world has revolved around Tobin. Every part of Christen’s being has been focused on the other woman, on how much she loves her. Something about the mountain air seems to make her braver, so she gently sets Kelley down on a nearby bench and pulls Tobin aside.

Christen takes a deep breath, and then—

Then, without warning, Christen’s phone rings. And when she picks it up after walking a few steps away from Tobin, her world stops spinning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the cliffhanger :)))
> 
> before you kill me, update should be very soon - i have most of the next chapter written out already. 
> 
> let me know any thoughts/feelings/anything!


	21. someone bring me back to life 'fore we all go down, something's gotta change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Upset by Lauren Sanderson - go check her out, she's one of my favorite artists rn. 
> 
> TW for mentions of self-harm and just a lot of sadness.
> 
> so i've been sitting on a half-written version of this chapter for a really long time, and i ended up just rewriting some of it to fit into the timeline cus i love y'all and wanted to get something out. just,,, if it seems weird or anything that's why and i apologize. otherwise - unedited, ect. feel free to comment, it genuinely helps a lot. 
> 
> wash your hands and stay safe out there !

It takes nearly two hours for the news to set in.

On the drive home, Christen feels numb. She doesn’t register that she left Tobin behind without a ride until an hour in (but then again, how would she register that when she can barely wrap her head around  _ cancer _ ?).

Every time she tries to focus on the road, focus on anything else, her brain parrots her dad’s words back to her in a cycle that sends pain stabbing through her temples and gathers tears in her eyes.  _ Your mom—cancer. Brain tumor. Hospital for surgery.  _ Her head is filled with static, and it registers an hour and a half too late that she probably shouldn't be driving when she can't seem to focus on the road, can't see other cars properly through the haze in her head and the tears in her eyes. 

So Christen keeps it together until Seattle, then pulls over on the first street she recognizes. She doesn’t care if her car gets towed or she gets ticketed or anything. Her legs are unsteady when she gets out, and suddenly the air seems to get sucked out of her lungs by the cold; she's left gasping for air on a random street with only the hot tears on her cheeks to warm her up. Something about the cold makes it all come crashing down around her, and she suddenly realizes that her mom might never experience Seattle air. Might never meet Tobin again—that’s what makes her stomach flip and the tears come faster. All she can think is that she needs to keep moving, needs to do something or she might actually collapse.  _ A minute _ , she says. She'll give herself a minute to get it together, and then she'll walk. 

But that doesn't work out. Because even though she has every intention of moving, her legs don't seem to work anymore. Instead, she slides down the car door, still only in her dress and light jacket, and sobs. She fucking sobs on a random Seattle street while the world passes her by, cars still driving and people still walking, albeit farther away than they might normally. If her voice wasn't stuck in her throat, if she knew what to say, she would scream; she can't find it in herself to care what people might think anymore. She can't find it in herself to care about anything, really. 

It feels like hours must have passed before she manages to pull herself up on shaking legs and stumble the two blocks to her building, still quietly crying. Her eyes hurt, throat feels raw, but the pain is welcome, because finally she's at least feeling something other than numbness.

Christen blacks out as soon as she collapses on the couch, body exhausted even as her mind is filled with a buzzing, noiseless sound that feels like walls closing in and a lack of air. 

She wakes up the next morning close to noon, and immediately stumbles to the toilet and throws up. For just a split second when she had opened her eyes, everything was normal; before the pounding headache and pain in her throat and puffiness of her eyes hit and she realized that nothing might ever be normal again.

Days pass in a blur. Christen’s phone died shortly after she initially woke up, so her only company has been the tv and tear tracks running down her cheeks. It doesn’t matter, though. Nothing seems to matter anymore. She spends most of her time buried under blankets, sleeping or curled up and trying to ignore the splitting pain in her head that’s become a permanent companion. 

There is a bright side to all this, one she found three days in—at least she hasn’t used the razor she still keeps in her nightstand (after all, old habits die hard). Even though she feels pathetic, completely wrecked, she hasn’t cut. Instead she hides in the darkness of her bed, hoping desperately that she’ll somehow outrun the pain the news has brought. 

It’s only when a knock sounds from the living room that Christen extracts herself from under blankets and stumbles out of her bedroom, unsteady legs a reminder that she hasn’t eaten in almost two days. She barely makes it to the door before Tobin’s voice sounds out, calling her name in that way that only Tobin says it, and her heart breaks into even smaller pieces than she thought possible. “Christen, where are you? I’ve been fucking worried. Please, just say anything, tell me what I did so I can fix it. Please…” Chris immediately hates that Tobin thinks she did something, but she knows that the second she opens her mouth she’ll break down. She won’t let Tobin see her like this, because what if she leaves? What if she finally realizes that Christen is too fucking shattered for anyone to put together? 

So instead, she slides to the ground against the door, listens to Tobin pacing on the other side, steps getting faster and harder as she waits for a response. “Chris, what the fuck is going on? Why won’t you talk to me? Do you think you’re going to fucking scare me off or something?” Silence emanates from the other side of the door for just a second, before Tobin lets out a sigh and speaks again, sounding almost defeated. “Shit, Chris, I’m not gonna run. I know about everything and I’m still here. I thought we were past this, all the running away when it got too serious. I mean, I was the one disinfecting all the cuts in high school when you wouldn’t even look at me, and now you think I’ll be scared? For God’s sake, I’m a psychologist. Did you really think you could just leave? 

“Chris, you’re shutting me out, you’re scared and you’re looking for a reason to push me away. I’m fucking scared too, you know,” Tobin admits. “Holy shit, I’ve never felt like this before. I care about you so much. I—I love you so much Christen, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and it’s terrifying. Please, just… can you please let me in? Even for a minute?” 

Christen sinks further against the door, hoping against hope that Tobin somehow senses her there, senses how much she loves the other woman. For what seems like the thousandth time today, tears start welling up in her eyes. It’s only when Tobin shouts “Fuck!” from the other side of the door and storms off, hitting the wall on her way out, that they finally fall. Christen finds herself sobbing on the floor of her apartment, wishing that she could just turn back time, and if she felt pathetic before she feels utterly broken now.

That’s when it finally hits her that the only person who might have been willing to pick up the pieces just marched out of her life, and the only one to blame is herself. For once in her life, Christen truly has no idea where to go from here. 

… 

Tobin is angry. Tobin is angry and confused, and above all, hurt. Even after stomping out of Christen’s building, she’s still sitting in her car, staring at the window that Chris used to wave at her out of. She only realizes she’s crying when a drop of water falls on the screen of her phone, lit up with a text from Alex back in California. Before Tobin knows it, she’s clicking Alex’s face in her contacts, and when she hears the familiar voice she can barely choke back a sob. 

Alex, like the best friend of forever that she is, immediately senses that something is wrong with Tobin (although the strangled crying noises might have also been a tip-off). She sounds panicked over the line, repeating “Tobin? Tobin, are you there? What’s wrong?” Until Tobin can find the strength to stutter out a reply.

“I’m—sorry Alex… didn’t mean to interrupt…” 

“God, Tobin, you know I would literally put my life on pause for you. Can you just tell me what happened?” Even though Alex’s voice is calming, Tobin only starts crying harder, because Christen’s voice was calming and now she might never hear it again—a ding from her phone interrupts her spiral, a text from Harry coming in asking if she’s okay. Allie’s voice has joined in on the line now, competing with Alex’s for attention, and Tobin just misses her friends and wants to be with them.  _ Maybe coming to Seattle was a mistake _ .

“Chris… Christen isn’t talking to me,” Tobin manages to choke out. And for once, the other end of the line goes silent. “I think I just fucked everything up,” she whispers into the deafening silence that surrounds her.

“Tobin—”

“Harry, are you listening to yourself?”

“—She loves you, so much. Anyone can see it just from the pictures you’ve sent. It’s disgusting.” Allie chimes in after Alex with her agreement, but Tobin isn’t anywhere near convinced. “Just slow down, take a deep breath, and tell us everything.”

Tobin takes a deep breath, pushes green eyes and everything Christen out of her head, and lets it all out. “I think we just fought? Except, she hasn’t been at work or responding to any of my texts or anything—she just ran out of the wedding and left me behind without explaining—and I don’t know if she’s okay and I got scared… so I went to her apartment, and I knocked and nobody answered, and I fucking yelled at her through the door and ohmyGodwhathaveIdone.” She’s somehow still crying, even though it feels like her eyes should have dried up long ago, because it’s finally setting in that she screamed at Christen in a hall for the world to hear and  _ I think I really did fuck everything up _ .

“Tobin, listen to me. This is salvageable. You are going to be okay.” Tobin knows now that this really is serious, because Allie never (and she means never) uses her real name. “Repeat after me. I am going to be okay.”

“I—I don’t know,” Tobin exhales through still-falling tears. Because really, if she fucked it up with Christen will she ever be okay again?

“Incorrect,” Allie says, but Tobin can hear the teasing in her voice, and it almost makes her smile. “I am going to be okay.”

“I am going to be okay,” Tobin repeats, trying to find any bit of confidence she might have inside of her that is true (spoiler alert: there is none).

“Listen, Tobin, I know that it seems like everything is broken right now, but to me it doesn’t even sound like you’re mad at Christen anymore. You clearly love her, and she loves you, and I have no doubt that she thought she had a reason to ignore you. And yes, if it’s what you want to hear, yelling at her probably wasn’t the best idea. But from what I’ve heard you’ve forgiven her. You just want to know she’s okay, correct? So you have to find it in you to forgive yourself, too, because you also acted on what you thought was right. She makes you so happy, Tobin. And for all your psychologist bullshit about being pushed away, I think you’re doing a little bit of the same thing. So holy hell, it’s time to woman up and start thinking about how you’re going to fix this.” 

The car is quiet, and fogging up a bit from Tobin’s breath, but she’s rooted to the spot thinking about what Alex said. Christen makes her happy. She’s scared, so fucking scared. It must take ten minutes, but finally Tobin finds a word. “...okay.” It’s so quiet that she’s scared her friends didn’t hear it, so she clears her throat and tries again. “Okay. I’ll fix this, somehow, thank you, Alex, Harry. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Die, probably,” Harry says in the background, and Tobin laughs, just a little bit, before they all exchange goodbyes and hang up. She stares up once more at Christen’s window, or maybe twice, but eventually manages to start up the car and drive off.

She finds herself at the coffee shop she walked to on her first day in Seattle. It reminds her so much of Christen that it hurts, but Tobin thinks she’ll need a little bit of Christen if she’s going to make anything right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't like sad christen (or angry/dumbass tobin).


	22. i'm trying to realize, it's alright to not be fine on your own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so'hara save the day with some backup from tobin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> folks, we have arrived! song for this chapter is Comethru by Jeremy Zucker, which also happens to be the namesake for this story.
> 
> so, this chapter ended up being way longer than i thought it would be, 'cus once i started writing it just kind of flowed. i know that i keep ending on kind of-cliffhangers, but hang in there because there might be one more (but i promise it will be worth it!)
> 
> otherwise, business as usual - unedited, really hope you enjoy. christen is slowly getting less sad, don't worry :)

Emily had not been expecting to get a call from a barely-keeping-it-together Tobin in the middle of the day. Then again, she hadn’t expected Christen to disappear in the middle of the wedding, either, so she takes Tobin’s name on her phone in stride until she hears Tobin’s voice on the other end, raw like she’s been crying. Instantly, she’s worried.

“Tobin? What’s up?”

“It’s Chris. Something is wrong, but I don’t know what, and she isn’t talking to me, and I need you to go to her apartment and at least check on her and make sure she’s alright.” Tobin says it all in a rush, and Emily can sense that there’s something more to the situation that the older woman isn’t letting on. But Tobin doesn’t exactly sound stable, so she simply agrees to check on Chris and hangs up. 

Kelley comes out of their kitchen frowning as Emily sets down her phone. “What’s wrong? Is it something with Chris?” 

“Yeah,” Emily grimaces. She had been hoping that she might be able to slip out without notifying her wife, at least for now, because the other woman was fiercely protective and not always the best at handling other’s emotions, which made for a strange combination. (Emily had learned that first-hand when her wife nearly got into a bar fight because she thought a guy was making her uncomfortable; he had been the bartender and Emily was ordering their drinks.)

But then again, Kelley is also one of the kindest, most determined people Emily knows, so under the brunette’s stare she concedes and grabs her keys, including a key to Christen’s apartment that she got as part of her best friend privileges. “Let’s go,” she says even though Kelley is already somehow standing by the door, waiting for her. The other woman gives Emily a quick kiss and darts outside to where their car is parked, her eyes shining with the protective instinct that seems unique to her. 

“Hey, Kel?” Emily says once the car is started, her wife predictably antsy and fidgeting while she waits for the younger woman to be ready.

“Hmm?”

“I love you, a lot.”

“I know, baby. I love you too,” the older woman replies with a grin, her hand moving to cover Emily’s. “Now let’s go help Chris.” 

… 

It’s worse than either of them could have imagined. 

The entire apartment seems to be covered in a thin layer of dust, the kitchen especially, and Emily immediately knows that Christen hasn’t been eating enough. That much is clear from all the old food in her fridge and the moldy bread on the counter that hasn’t been replaced. 

She still isn’t expecting what she sees in Christen’s room. The green-eyed woman is wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, looking gaunt and paler than Emily has ever seen her. Her hair is messy, unbrushed, and her phone seems to have been thrown across the room at some point, because it lays dead near the door. The whole thing is so unlike Christen that it’s shocking, and frankly a little scary. 

Emily knows that Kelley feels the same, because her wife is wide-eyed, taking everything in with an appalled look. They both stand in the door frame for a minute, just staring at the state of the room, at the state of Christen. 

They’re only spurred into action when Christen lifts her head slightly from under the blankets and whispers “Kel? Em?” It’s faint, worryingly so, but Emily pulls Kelley out into the hall instead of reacting. Christen’s head quickly falls back into the bed when they step out, listless and weak. 

“You need to go figure out what’s wrong,” Emily whispers to Kelley. Her wife starts to protest, but the blonde cuts her off. “Christen needs you. She probably can’t handle both of us, and you two have your weird bond.” At this Kelley nods resolutely, turning to go back into the room before Emily catches her. “Kel, don’t do it if it’s too much. If you need anything, or whatever, just find me in the kitchen.” 

The brunette’s eyes soften, and she nods once. “I won’t, I promise.” Emily feels marginally better after this, so she lets her wife go and ventures to the kitchen to try and distract herself. She hopes that she’s making the best decision, for Chris and them—she trusts in her wife, though, no matter what, and the older woman and Christen certainly do have an intense, inexplicable bond that’s never quite made sense to Emily. 

Instead of dwelling on it, on the way the vibrant green of Christen’s eyes seemed dulled, the blonde chooses to busy herself by cleaning. The first thing to go is the bread, along with all the spoiled food in the fridge. She’s moved on to dusting the counters and trying to find something for Chris to eat when Kelley comes out, looking ashen. 

She immediately wraps the brunette in a hug, feeling Kelley curl into her and grab fistfuls of her shirt. It must be even worse than they thought, because she’s never seen her wife like this. “Cancer,” the older woman whispers into Emily’s chest. 

“What, honey?” The younger woman knows what she heard, but she has to be absolutely sure.

“Her mom—her mom has a brain tumor,” Kelley chokes out, head still buried in Emily.

And shit.  _ It really is worse than they thought _ . 

“Okay. Okay,” Emily repeats, trying to calm herself down and keep from spiraling. “So, I should call Tobin. Do you want to stay like this for that?” The brunette nods minutely, seemingly calmed by the physicality, so Emily grabs her phone and tries to still her shaking hands enough to find Tobin’s contact card.

“Hi,” Tobin answers immediately, and Emily has never been so glad to hear the other woman’s voice. “Em? Did you find out what happened?” 

It’ll be a miracle if Emily makes it out of this apartment without crying. “Um.” Her voice immediately cracks, and she has to clear her throat and take a few deep breaths before she can keep going. “Christen’s mom has brain cancer. I’m sorry,” She whispers into the phone. She doesn’t even know why she’s apologizing, but it’s better than letting the sentence sit in the air alone, and final. 

“Shit. Fuck. Shit,” Tobin swears frantically. “Fuck. Okay. Um, I’m gonna buy a plane ticket. She needs to see her mom, yeah? So, can you guys please just make sure she’s eating and drinking water, and then get her to the airport? I’ll try to get it as soon as possible, and send it to you. Em, are you still there? Please, can you do that?” Tobin is nearly pleading now, and it breaks Emily’s heart. 

At the same time, though, she’s filled with a strange calm. She has a list now—she can follow lists. She can do all of those things, and no matter how hard it is for them it will help Chris. “Of course, Tobin. Send the ticket over and we’ll take care of her. But Tobin?” 

“Yeah?” The other woman asks anxiously.

“You need to take care of yourself, too. This isn’t your fault.” 

“I—” Now Tobin’s voice is cracking, and the whole thing is reminding Emily of their call this morning. “I’ll try.” It’s enough for Emily, so they say quick goodbyes and hang up. 

By the time she’s off the phone, Kelley has extracted herself from the blonde’s sweatshirt, and her look of determination mirrors what Emily’s feeling. “We’re gonna help Chris.” Emily smiles despite herself, because it wasn’t something that needed to be said aloud, but she nods in confirmation and kisses the top of Kelley’s head nonetheless. 

“O’hara on three?” It’s an old tradition that makes them both smile, one that started even before they got married and Emily took Kelley’s last name. The brunette smiles softly, and Emily knows that she made the right call, because it’s clear they both needed a moral booster.

Their hands meet between them and they whisper-shout “One, two, three, O’Hara!”

Then the two separate, determined to help their friend no matter what. 

… 

Christen’s day starts to blur, just like all her other days as of late, all constituted of sleep and darkness and not much else. Until she faintly hears her apartment door opening, two whispering voices, and maybe for once she won’t be alone. 

The voices get closer, and then stop. When Christen lifts her head slightly (even that small action makes her lightheaded after days without nutrition), she can clearly make out two silhouettes that she would recognize anywhere. She doesn’t let herself believe that they’re really here. She doesn’t let herself be happy—

But soon she’s sobbing into Kelley’s arms, and when her tears have finally dried up and she’s clinging on to one of her best friends, she feels a strange sense of peace that seems foreign after so many days spent alone with her thoughts. 

That night, Emily coaxes her out of her room and she manages to eat without immediately throwing it up. She sits with the married couple, sandwiched between them under a blanket while Emily gently brushes out her hair and Kelley makes sure she’s continuously drinking water. She keeps down the water, and the fruit that they feed her before making sure she’s brushed her teeth and tuck her into bed.

In any other situation Christen would have been embarrassed. They’re treating her like a child, after all. But as she drifts off to sleep, it occurs to her that for the first time her mind feels a little less hazy, her limbs a little more strong. She sleeps all the way through the night for the first time since the wedding. 

When she wakes up, Emily and Kelley are still there. They’re still there, through everything, and Christen has to keep herself from breaking down again right then and there. She’s greeted with hugs as she walks into the kitchen, where Kelley has already cooked breakfast with food that Emily is unloading from grocery bags. 

Christen feels safer, now that she’s not alone with her thoughts. The married couple’s presence is enough to quiet her mind, and she’s able to talk quietly with the two as they eat. They don’t bring up anything serious until Kelley mentions California, and Emily shoots her a look. Eventually, after an intense staring contest between the two, Emily sighs and looks back to Christen. 

“So here’s the thing. We think you should go home. To your mom. And we’ve already… well—we, ahem, procured a plane ticket for tomorrow afternoon. We obviously can’t force you to do anything, but… Chris, you need to see her.” Emily finishes out close to a whisper, and it’s enough to distract Christen from the weird way she talked about the ticket. Because she’s right. Christen does need to see her mom. 

It might be impossible to find better friends than this. 

She agrees, of course. They spend the rest of the morning discussing logistics, calling Christen’s sisters and arranging rides and places to stay. The couple makes sure that Christen is strong enough to go, making her swear that she’ll keep eating. At one point Emily even takes over a call with Tyler, walking into another room while Kelley cuts up more fruit for them to eat. Christen is sure that the blonde is filling her sister in on her condition, but she’s just glad that she’s finally going home. 

_ But is it really home without Tobin? _

The thought disappears as quickly as it came, and Christen tries to push away memories of being slumped against the door, not confessing her love.

She manages to push all thoughts of Tobin away, up until an hour before they have to leave for the airport the next day. Her bags have been packed and Emily made sure she ate breakfast. Armed with more snacks than she knows what to do with and a stuffed dog that Kelley somehow bought at a convenience store and claimed was for comfort, Christen feels as ready as she possibly can. 

That is, until she thinks of Tobin—and realizes there’s one last thing she has to do, something that’s better done alone. So she waits until Emily and Kelley are loading bags until their car before she rounds her apartment, collecting all the stashed razorblades that served as remnants of her darkest moment over the years.

All of her blades end up in the dumpster behind her building. Because maybe Tobin was right—maybe she’s always been strong. 

Now Christen can only hope that she’s strong enough to both say goodbye and salvage the relationship that means everything to her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just wanted to pop down here and make something clear real quick - i fully acknowledge that grief is different for everybody. and really, this is just the start of christen's grief, unfortunately. she still has a lot to go through, but she's slowly recovering even as she goes through it. i guess i just wanted to say don't take this as her magically not being sad after her friends help out a little. having said that, along with the next chapter let me know if there's anything i can do better. one of my goals with this story is to keep everything as realistic as possible, especially the bad, so i value anything you can add to that. 
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading! please comment with any thoughts/questions/suggestions you may have :)


	23. you're like a path leading me to where i need to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> california & closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Warm Heart by Hollie Col. 
> 
> we have a bit softer chapter today, folks. still sad, but christen is also learning how to be okay with everything that's happened. not much else to say about this, honestly, except thanks for all the feedback on the last couple chapters. i really appreciate it, and it's super motivating. 
> 
> for once i'm feeling good about this one, so i hope you do too. as always, unedited. please comment with any thoughts, feelings, whatever occupies brain-space after reading. enjoy!

California is duller than Christen remembers it. 

It’s strange—before everything, before Tobin, she had always thought of Oakland as home, somewhere she could go even when it felt like everything was falling apart around her. But now, without soccer, without Tobin, (and maybe soon without her mom, a thought she desperately tries to push away) she feels almost unwelcome among the palm trees and beaches. 

Tyler picks her up at the airport. Despite the circumstances, it’s good to see her sister again, and they spend the drive catching up on everything they’ve missed from each other’s lives. It’s light, and fun, and exactly what Christen needed. 

Until Tyler asks about the phone call that Emily took over. “Is it true, what your friend said, Chris? You weren’t eating or anything?”

Every bone in Christen’s body wants to look away, stare out the window and pretend her sister didn’t say anything. But she forces herself to keep her eyes on the other woman, trying to formulate an answer. In the end, all she comes up with is a simple “yes” said softly into the air.

At first Tyler just hums, and Christen thinks that maybe she’s in the clear. She’s not expecting the next question at all. “Are you still on antidepressants?” Her sister says it so casually that Christen doesn’t quite register it at first, but then it registers and she’s choking on the sip of water she had taken from a water bottle. 

“I—no,” she sputters out when the air has returned to her lungs. 

“It might be time to think about going back on them,” Tyler replies gently. “I know you don’t like it for whatever reason, Chris, but you’re not okay. You need to take care of yourself. Just think about it.” 

Christen finally turns to look out the window, then, but the passing scenery doesn’t take her mind off of what Tyler said. She’d had a brief encounter with medication during college, while she was on a scholarship and her parents had the money to pay for it. Looking back, it feels like it was a bit easier to breathe during those four years. She didn’t have the weight of her brain bearing down on her constantly. 

However, she had also convinced herself that needing help for her fucked-up brain meant she was somehow weak. So she graduated, got a job, went off the meds. And even when her doctor brought up the topic as a possibility, she opted out. She opted to stay “strong”, even as she was tearing herself apart.

Maybe her sister has a point. 

She thinks about it until they’re pulling into the hospital parking lot, when she’s shaken out of stupor the drive lured her into. Tyler turns to her, an apology in her eyes. “Um. So I know you wanted to go to my apartment and settle in for a while first, but Mom’s surgery got moved up. It’s in two days, now, and we all thought you would probably want to make sure you got to see her.”  _ Shit. _

Christen wasn’t prepared for this. She needed time to collect herself, time to make sure she wouldn’t break down the moment she saw her mom. 

It seems time is the one thing she doesn’t have. 

The discovery that she only has two days to spend with her mother before a life-threatening surgery sends Christen into numbness again. She doesn’t protest as Tyler pulls her out of the car, directs her to their mom’s room with a hand on the small of her back. Everything in the hospital seems a little too loud, and it grates on Christen, makes her thoughts that much more disorganized. 

But then they’re in the room designated for Stacy Press, and it’s too quiet. The door clicks shut behind Christen, leaving her alone with her mom and the drone of the heart monitor. Tyler is somewhere outside, having told the younger Press sibling that she had to do this alone. Deep down, Christen knows she’s right, but that doesn’t mean that the idea of being alone with her mom for possibly the last time isn’t still terrifying. 

“Hi, baby,” Stacy smiles from her bed after a pause in which Christen is standing in the doorway, staring and trying to register that the limp form in the hospital bed is her mother, the strongest woman she knows. The words jolt Christen into action, though, and she crosses the room and hugs the other woman tight in a flash. 

“Hey, Mom.” Christen doesn’t try to force a smile, hoping that the hug conveyed all her emotions. Stacy seems to get it, simply patting the space beside her in the bed, space that suggests an unhealthy thinness and makes the room spin for a second before Christen gets her shit together and climbs in. 

“I’ve missed you so much, honey.”

“I know.” Christen hopes her mom knows, too, how much she regrets not visiting more often after the move to Seattle. She hopes the older woman knows that it was never out of spite, or anger, or anything negative.

Her mom’s smile relaxes Christen, tells her that all is forgiven. “Catch me up on everything that’s happened since you left. I want all the details.” Christen doesn’t even know where to start, so she buys herself time by snuggling into Stacy’s side, wrapping her arms around the frail woman.

And then it comes to her, the only thing that really matters about Seattle. The only thing that they really need to talk about, no matter what. "Mom, there's… there's something I need to tell you," Christen stutters out. She doesn't realize why she's so nervous, until it clicks—this is her last chance to get the older woman’s approval of Tobin. "Do you remember Tobin, from high school?"

"Of course, honey," her mom replies, gently stroking Christen's hair. "How could I forget? She made you so happy, it was like you lit up every time you saw her. And high school was so dark for you, I'm glad she could be there when we weren't." 

Christen wasn't supposed to be crying already, but then again her mom wasn't supposed to be in a hospital bed, either. "Tobin—she found me again. She moved to Seattle, and we started talking, and... we're dating." She takes a breath, but there's nothing but approval in the older woman’s gaze when she looks back. "She makes everything better, Mom. I.... I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I'm so scared I just pushed her away." 

"Oh, Chris. Tell me everything." 

… 

Christen ends up spending more time at the hospital than she thought possible. She stays by her mom’s side the entire first night, drained after talking about Tobin, about Kelley and Emily and Ali and Ashlyn and her life in Seattle. Tyler manages to drag her out of the room that morning, to eat and find a change of clothes, but right after that Christen is back in her mother’s bed like a magnet. 

Midway through the second day the rest of the family shows up, her dad and Channing carrying food from In-N-Out. They all settle down on the hospital floor (minus Stacy, who stays in the bed) and eat together, the first family meal in years.

Even though the reason they’re together is terrible, it’s a nice enough way to spend the day. They all talk about mundane things, mostly the weather or recent friend drama. Everyone’s mind is taken off the impending surgery, just for a couple hours. 

But then Christen goes home with Tyler, and when she wakes up after a fitful night of sleep it’s the third day. The day of the surgery. 

All morning, Christen’s fingers itch to text Tobin. She wants to talk to the other woman more than anything, but she talks herself out of it and chooses to text Emily instead. They trade stories back and forth for a while, filling each other in on family happenings and all of the stupid things Kelley has done in the span of three days. They don’t talk about the thing weighing on Christen’s shoulders, because somehow, even over a screen, Emily can read Christen, knows that she doesn’t need to think about what’s going to happen. 

Too soon, though, she’s back in Tyler’s car, facing her fears head-on as they drive back to the hospital. Christen knows the way to her mom’s room by heart, now, a product of all the time she’s spent pacing the hallways and walking back and forth between bathrooms. 

The noise of the hospital is less grating now than it was that first day. The silence in her mom’s room, however, is even more pronounced. Channing is already there, crying softly in a chair next to the bed. Christen tries to avoid tears as her and Tyler settle in next to their sibling, but she knows they’ll come eventually. 

It’s still too quiet when their dad arrives, kissing his wife softly before laying down next to her. Near-silence lingers in the room until an hour before the surgery hits, and suddenly it hits everyone all at once that they need to say their goodbyes. Christen is the last one to do so, left alone in the room.

“Mom—”

Stacy shushes her, raising a hand to her face and petting it. “You don’t need to say anything, Chris. I know you love me, always have, and I hope you know the same. I will always love you, Christen. And I’ll always be with you, no matter what happens. I love you so much, honey.” Christen is struck speechless, hugging her mom tightly on instinct. They stay joined until a nurse comes into the room and starts moving the bed.

Christen watches her mom's bed as it's wheeled all the way into the operating room, then sinks down against the wall. She's calling Tobin before she fully realizes what she's doing, still thinking about her mother’s words. Thinking about how quickly people can be gone. 

"Hello? Chris?" There's an element of panic in Tobin's voice, and Christen feels bad that she's the cause of it (then again, she feels worse that it took her this long to call Tobin).

"Hey." 

Her voice is soft, but it must convey the right things, because Tobin immediately replies, "tell me what you need."

"Just... just talk to me, please. What's been happening in Seattle?" It takes a second before Tobin starts talking in a cautious tone, like she's worried Christen will run again. But the younger woman is done with that, done with hiding from feelings and missing out on chances to confess love.

"Tobin," she cuts the other woman off after nearly an hour. "I love you."

The line is silent, until all at once Tobin is replying "I love you too," with a smile in her voice and Christen's world has finally righted itself, just a little, as she drifts off on the hospital floor, Tobin's voice still in her ear.

… 

Being in California is hard without Tobin.

It gets infinitely harder when her mom doesn't make it out of surgery.

… 

Christen goes through the next month in a blur. 

She stops crying after the first couple days, when it finally sets in. She stays true to her promises, and keeps eating, keeps taking care of herself (although Tyler’s watchful eye certainly helps her cause). 

Through everything she lets her last words with her mother console her, and two weeks in she thinks for the first time that  _ maybe, everything will be okay _ . 

It’s still hard, though, the hardest thing she’s ever gone through. She still breaks down in the middle of the third week, when they go hiking together as a family and spread Stacy’s ashes along the trail. She can’t make herself go to the funeral the next day, even though she spent the time organizing it, instead staying at Tyler’s apartment and watching old VHS tapes of them playing with their mom.

The fourth week hits, and she’s a little more steady on her feet. She combs through letters with her sisters, until they all decide to get tattoos in their mother’s handwriting. Christen gets hers on her wrist, and it feels impulsive and meaningful all at the same time. She spends more time with her family than she has in years, reliving her childhood and catching up on the lives they’ve built as adults. 

Every day, she gets a little closer to closure, to being okay with what she’s lost. 

Finally, in the fifth week, she knows it’s time to head back to Seattle. Back to Tobin. Tobin, who she hasn’t really spoken with since the night of the surgery. Tobin, who she passed up opportunities to call in favor of calling Kelley and Emily nearly daily with updates. Tobin, who she sent a paragraph-long text about needing time to process everything that’s happened (because for once, Christen needed to be okay by herself, needed to know that she could exist and find happiness outside of other people). 

Tobin, the love of her life. Home.


	24. take my hand and walk with me, we'll never be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> back home (in more ways than one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Running After You by Matthew Mole (with an honorary mention for Everest by Beabadoobee, which was almost going to be involved in the chapter). for once the song is actually significant, so i might give it a listen. 
> 
> y'all, i nearly started crying writing this. gonna keep the notes up here short except for the usual - unedited, pls comment. also quick heads up: if you get a double update, don't get excited - i'm simply making this part of a series, which i will be posting my so'hara story in at some point. 
> 
> enjoy! but maybe keep a tissue box nearby just in case.

Christen spends most of her plane ride home thinking about Tobin.

She's nervous about Seattle, mostly because of the way she left it—inches away from a breakdown and after pushing away one of the most important people in her life. But then she's stepping off the airplane, and something about SeaTac feels so undeniably familiar that she can't help but relax. She can feel the ache in her chest caused by not talking to Tobin for a month lessened with each step she takes toward seeing the other woman again. 

A strange sense of calm washes over Christen as she makes her way through the airport. Maybe it’s the west coast air making its way back into her lungs, maybe it’s the idea that everyone around her is living their lives and finally, she’ll be able to live hers with Tobin. Whatever it is, she can’t restrain the smile that appears the closer she gets to the baggage claim. 

When she sees that only Emily and Kelley are waiting for her, that smile drops just the slightest bit. She loves them, of course, but some tiny part of her was really hoping for a Big Airport Moment involving jumping into Tobin’s arms (something she’ll never admit to Kelley, because she knows the teasing would be relentless). She manages to get her bags without any hassle, though, and soon enough Emily is driving them back into the city. 

The first thing Emliy and Kelley tell her is that they have a “surprise”. Christen gets very scared very quickly, especially when she starts recognizing the streets around her office. The gremlins refuse to tell her anything about the surprise as much as she bugs them about it, so she just settles in and waits for everything to go wrong. 

Christen gets even more suspicious when they park down the block from the office building. There’s no reason for either of the married couple (or Christen) to be here, with Kelley working at the Reign stadium and Emily downtown as a therapist. Nevertheless, Christen begrudgingly follows the two women.

They lead her right to her workplace, and Christen doesn’t know what to expect anymore. She gets even more confused when they forgo the entrance and instead turn around the side of the building. The route is extremely familiar now—they’re walking in the direction of her and Tobin’s rendezvous bench. Christen can feel her excitement building the closer they get, because this has to have something to do with Tobin. Until… they round the corner, and nobody’s there. Christen is about to turn around and yell at the married couple, but just in time someone makes their way out of the side door and into the courtyard. 

It’s Tobin, carrying a guitar in one hand and coffee in the other, looking tired and slightly disheveled (but as beautiful as ever). She doesn’t seem to notice the group watching her every move until she looks up and visibly jumps, nearly dropping the guitar. “Holy shit, you guys,” she gasps out as she recovers her breath from the scare.

Christen finds herself grinning, her eyes finally meeting Tobin’s. After a minute of staring the other woman turns to Emily and Kelley, glaring at them. “Y’all could’ve shot me a text or something. You weren’t supposed to be this fucking early,” she hisses. Behind Christen the married couple just shrugs, not looking sorry in the least.

“Show her what you got, Tobito.” Kelley pairs it with a wolf whistle, but thankfully Emily slaps her arm lightly so that Christen doesn’t have to. 

“Fuck, okay,” Tobin mutters. She finally sits down on their bench, coffee beside her, and fiddles with the guitar for a bit, singing under her breath while she makes sure it’s in tune. When she’s done with all that, she turns to Christen, and the younger woman’s breath is taken away. Because this—this is what she’s been missing. The smile in Tobin’s eyes, the way she carries herself. The way she looks at Christen, like she’s the only person that matters. This is what she needed.

“So, I fucked up,” the older woman starts, still staring at Chris. “I realize now that I shouldn’t have said any of the shit I did when I went to your apartment. Well, I realized right after I left your building, but that’s not important. What’s important is you, Chris. I should have been there for you, properly. I should have shown you that you weren’t alone right from the start. And I think you’ve forgiven me, or at least I really hope so. But I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t properly apologize, so here goes.” Once again, Christen finds herself wanting to hug Tobin, tell her that it’s alright and nothing is her fault. 

But then Tobin starts singing, and all of Christen’s thoughts fly out the window. 

_ “Of all the places and all of the spaces that I've ever seen _

_ And that I've ever been, it's true _

_ I'd walk through a town I could only have dreamed _

_ But the beauty surrounding means nothing to me, it's you _

_ Where you are is where I always want to be _

_ Anywhere as long as you are there with me _

_ I will take you to the places I have seen _

_ Take my heart and run along _

_ 'Cause I'm running after you _

_ I'm running after you _

_ And I'll do what I can do _

_ I'll do it all for you” _

Christen stands shocked until Tobin finishes the song. She’s overcome with love for the woman in front of her, the woman who took the time to relearn guitar just to play her a song. The woman who stands up when she’s done and smiles sheepishly, acting like she didn’t just astound the three people lucky enough to be listening. 

“Fuck, I love you so much.” It’s not the most eloquent declaration, but it’s all Christen can choke out as she starts tearing up. Tobin sets the guitar down gently and holds out her arms, and Christen literally runs to her (not the Airport Moment she was hoping for, but it will definitely do). She immediately burrows into the other woman’s oversized sweatshirt, takes in everything that she’s missed for the last month. It’s overwhelming in the best possible way. 

“I love you too, baby,” Tobin whispers as she kisses the top of Christen’s head. “Forgive me?”

“Of course, you idiot,” Christen laughs through the tears that have started falling. “I love you a lot. I’m so sorry it took me so long to say it.” 

Tobin lifts her head up then, so that Christen is looking into her honey-brown eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for. I would have given you all the time in the world.” 

And it’s then, in a small courtyard, crying in front of their friends, that Christen knows for the first time (but certainly not the last):

This is it for her. 

… 

A month without Christen was torture for Tobin. 

But now, finally holding the other woman in her arms again, Tobin can feel the hole in her chest closing. Christen is back in her world, and her world is back on its axis. She had spent the month making preparations: re-learning guitar, bribing Kelley and Emily to give her updates on Christen, bribing them to help her enact the plan, bribing them to leave her alone and stop pestering her about the song. 

The whole thing made Tobin realize that she would do anything for Christen (including, clearly, losing a lot of money to snacks and Nintendo Switch games for bribes). It had killed her to see the other woman in pain, especially since in Tobin’s eyes she only deserves happiness. She can see that the light in Christen’s eyes is back, though, her smiles more genuine, and that makes Tobin happier than the younger woman will ever know. 

When Kelley and Emily finally left, Tobin and Christen talked for hours. Christen showed off her tattoo, talked about seeing her sisters again and all the family shenanigans. Then came something Tobin wasn’t expecting in the slightest: “I think I’m going back on antidepressants for a while. I, um, I called my doctor before the flight left back in California, and she thinks it’s a good idea, so if we could run by the pharmacy at some point that would be great.” 

Tobin was shocked for a minute, because Christen had been adamant that she didn't need help for as long as Tobin had known her. But then she remembered how different the other woman seemed after a month, how much progress she had already made. “I’m really proud of you, Chris.” 

“Really?” Christen had whispered it, hiding her face in the hollow of Tobin’s throat. 

“Always.” 

After it all, the two end up being corralled into a friend game night with Kelley and Emily. They’re both tired from the excitement of the day, but they agree to at least make an appearance. When they arrive at the house, they take a minute to themselves, just standing outside and being close. Tobin can’t help but stare at Christen, who has changed in all the best ways after everything that’s happened.

Christen is smiling, finally, truly, her eyes lighting up as they stand outside the O'Hara's door. Tobin knows that she's mirroring Christen's smile with one of her own, but she doesn't care how dorky she looks (or in Kelley's words, how "whipped" she seems). As Christen steps through the door in front of her, greeting their friends, Tobin knows—

They'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so a couple months ago i had this random ass idea to make a preath story in seattle. it was a very different story back then, i promise you that. (for one thing, it was mostly them being cutesy and touring around, and then it somehow became about depression lol.) but this story has meant so much to me for the past few months, and i can only hope that it meant a lil something to one of you. 
> 
> having said that, this is technically the last chapter. it felt like a natural ending point, but don't worry - there will be an epilogue! i have no idea how long it'll take since we're in quarantine in washington, and there are a lot of things going on. the upside of that is that i have more time to reply to comments, and i'll definitely try to do that more. y'all really left the best comments on the last chapter, it made me smile so hard. you have no idea how much i appreciate it. i do hope this lived up to the last chapter, especially after several of you cried. 
> 
> thank you so much for continuing to read, comment, and leave kudos. i love every single one of you, stay safe out there.


	25. give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all is well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Noah Reid's version of Simply the Best by Tina Turner (any schitt's creek fans out there?) 
> 
> wow. we made it. thank you all for the love on the last chapter, and for this story in general. i'm so grateful i got to share this journey with you. 
> 
> unedited and written at midnight, so i'm not entirely sure how coherent it is. please comment any feelings, because i certainly have a lot and i would love to know i'm not the only one. enjoy!

In just under a year, Christen has grown so much. She’s reminded of that growth every time she wakes up next to Tobin, or simply looks at the other woman when they make breakfast together. Every day, she’s reminded how damn lucky she is to be able to experience Tobin. 

Their one-year anniversary sneaks up on them as they get caught up in the whirlwind of finally being  _ together _ . Christmas is spent moving boxes into Tobin’s apartment, cuddling in front of the tree and opening presents to the tune of rain bouncing off the windows. By New Year’s Day, they’re officially living together. 

Tobin manages to drag Christen out to the Krieger-Harris party to ring in the new year. At first Christen is anxious beyond reason—alcohol and her antidepressants don’t mix, something stressed to her by her doctor, and Tobin swore she would stay sober in solidarity. Christen is worried she’s going to make the whole thing less fun (it’s Tobin’s first year in Seattle, after all, and she only deserves the best). Instead, they ring in the new year laughing with their friends, sharing in the moment; later Christen thinks it might be the best party she’s ever been to, and only partly because of Tobin’s presence at her side. 

Valentine’s day that year is somehow both incredible and a disaster. After Tobin brings a puppy home as a present without any prior discussion, they have their first real fight. It consists of an hour of silence between them before Christen caves, because the puppy is  _ so cute  _ but Tobin, with her pout and crossed arms as she slumps on the couch is even cuter. They’ve made up before the end of the day, and they have not only a stronger relationship but also a dog as proof. 

Easter Sunday is spent quietly. Tobin convinces Christen to go out to church with her, and the younger woman is surprised that nobody bats an eye when the two walk in holding hands. In fact, there seem to be several same-sex couples in the vicinity, and Christen leaves the building with a better understanding of Tobin, and what faith means to her. Tobin later explains that to her, faith means love, and acceptance. It’s not meant to be a weapon but rather an attempt at peace. The older woman lights up when she’s talking about it, and Christen is struck once again by how beautiful her girlfriend is. 

All of it brings them closer than before, closer than they thought possible. They’re growing together. After Easter, Christen calls Tobin’s parents and tells them that she wants to keep growing with Tobin for the rest of her life. She asks for their blessing, and is given it without hesitation. Tobin’s mom says it doesn’t matter that they’ve never met; it’s plain to their family that she makes Tobin happy (in fact, at this point, Cindy laughs, it would cause a riot if Chris  _ didn't _ propose at some point). 

May brings with it relative calm for the two women. Their anniversary is spent in the best way possible—surrounded by friends, their chosen family. Emily and Kelley had unknowingly scheduled their adoption party on the same day, but Christen and Tobin gladly chose to attend anyway. The O’Haras are glowing as they introduce Ryan, the seven-year-old addition to their family. 

Christen was named Ryan’s godmother while they were going through the adoption process, and as she watches the boy’s interactions with all his “aunties”, she can’t help but cuddle closer to Tobin. “What are your thoughts on kids?” She asks quietly, still watching Ryan race around with Kelley.

“They’re adorable, and I want one someday. Why?” Tobin gives her reply without a second thought, and Christen thinks she’s probably glowing just about as bright as the new parents.

“Nothing,” the younger woman mumbles, hiding her smile in the crook of Tobin’s neck. _ I can’t wait to start a family with this woman _ , Chris thinks. It remains unspoken, but something about the way Tobin wraps an arm around Christen’s middle and pulls her closer makes it clear that the older woman just  _ knows _ .

Later that night, after everyone else has left and Tobin is happily playing Mario Kart with Ryan and Kelley, Christen convinces Emily to take her ring shopping. The blonde has been beaming all day as she watches her wife and son. “You’re happy,” Christen observes while they’re driving through downtown. 

“I am,” Emily notes as though it’s obvious (and in all fairness, it is). “I am really happy. You are too, though. I saw the way you were smiling around Tobin.”

She doesn’t even try to deny it or hide her smile as she watches the buildings pass. “I am happy,” she finally admits. “I’m so fucking happy.” 

… 

Things only get better from there.

Tobin treasures every moment with the younger woman. She watches the sparkle return to her eyes, watches as her smile gets bigger with each passing day. Even after her accident with the crane, Tobin has never felt so lucky. 

They spend their second anniversary on a plane. It’s an overnight flight back to California, something that Tobin had been dreading for months (sleep is one of the things she prizes most, and it’s what she gets almost none of every time she flies). But once they’re finally in the air, she realizes that it’s not so bad. With Christen’s head resting on her shoulder and the stars resting on the plane’s wing, Tobin feels like she could stay in the cramped seat forever. 

California is vibrant. Tobin hasn’t visited in years, but when she steps off the plane and sees palm trees and Christen, it feels like her childhood again. 

She keeps careful watch over Christen throughout their trip. The younger woman hasn’t been back since her mother died, but she seems to be holding up well. Her eyes never dim, her smile never falls, and Tobin can rest easy knowing that the woman she loves is thriving. Even when they visit Stacy’s grave, Christen doesn’t react at all how Tobin expected—the other woman cries quietly and talks to the ground for a few minutes, but then wipes her eyes and takes them out for ice cream. 

Christen is healing, and it’s beautiful. 

Tobin thinks about growing up while they eat ice cream. She thinks about soccer games, remembers locker rooms and whispering during classes and laughing about shitty school lunches with Christen. Looking back, it’s almost like her negative memories of high school have faded, while the ones with Christen burn brighter than ever. 

Then again, she and Christen are burning brighter than ever, as evidenced by a walk they take on the beach. “Tobin,” Christen starts as they watch the sun fall over the ocean. “I need to tell you something.” 

“Go ahead, baby,” she whispers.

She’s not expecting anything big. She’s not really expecting anything, period, which is why she nearly falls off the seawall when her eyes find Christen down on one knee in the sand. “I’m not sure of many things, Toby, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s you. It’s always been you. Finding each other again was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because you’re life-changing.” Tobin sucks in a breath as she starts to process what’s happening, and tears are already pooling in Christen’s eyes. “When I was at my worst, I looked to the sun. It was a constant, my reminder that light would always come. But you’ve become my light. You’ve become my constant. I would choose you over the sun, Tobs, because I love you so fucking much. I love you, now and always. Tobin Heath, will you marry me?” 

It’s a miracle that Tobin manages to gasp out a “yes” through her tears, but Christen seems to understand because she slides a ring onto the older woman’s finger. “I can’t wait to marry you,” Tobin chokes out at one point as she clings to her fiancee.

They leave California with bright eyes and big dreams, because it’s all coming together. After everything they’re going to start a life together. 

… 

Their third anniversary is much more uneventful than the first two, Christen thinks. 

Wedding planning is in full swing, which turns out to be both a blessing and a curse. Everything is falling into place, but the looming list of things they have to get done limits their anniversary celebrations to a weekend on Mt. Rainier. 

Despite the stress they’ve both been under as they put together the wedding, the weekend couldn’t have been more perfect. It’s spent hiking, finding marmots and wildflowers and patches of snow hidden away atop the mountain. At night, they point out constellations to each other and shiver in the cold. 

It’s after one of their hikes, when they’re cooling down in their hotel room, that Tobin holds her weekly check-in. The check-in was something suggested by Christen’s therapist, and ever since Tobin got wind of it they’ve sat down and talked every week for nearly two years. “How have you been feeling lately?” Tobin starts it like she always does, and as Christen settles against the other woman and plays with her fingers she can’t imagine being anything but honest.

“I’m good,” she answers. “Like, really good. I’m so ready to marry you.” 

“Best part of the week?” 

“You. Being here, and wandering around, and knowing that I could do this for the rest of my life, if I wanted to,” Christen replies without missing a beat. She can feel Tobin grinning into the top of her head, and she bats at the other woman playfully. 

“Who knew you were such a romantic, Chris,” Tobin teases as she wraps Christen in her arms and pulls them closer together. “I’m here for you, always,” she ends with the predictable sentence, the way all of their check-ins end. Despite hearing the words over and over, Christen still relaxes when Tobin repeats them. 

“I know, honey.” And she really, truly does.

Three months later they get married, and Christen has never been happier. 

… 

By the time their fourth anniversary rolls around, Tobin has finally gotten used to introducing Christen as her wife. It’s finally sunk in that they’re married.

Just before their anniversary, the two had been lucky enough to stumble across their own little miracle, in the form of an eight-year-old girl named Mallory that both of them had instantly fallen in love with. Getting through the adoption process was a slog, but it’s all worth it in the end, because now their daughter is lying between Tobin and Christen while they sleep. Well, while Christen sleeps.

Tobin still can’t get over what her life has become. She still can’t quite believe that she was lucky enough to be given a second chance with Christen. She can’t believe that they’re married, that they’re parents. 

She can’t believe it, but she’ll always treasure it. 

Four years together comes and goes without much celebration. Mal keeps them busy—between her playdates with Ryan and keeping her from destroying their house, she’s a handful. But the kid is  _ their  _ handful, Tobin’s and Christen’s, and as cheesy as it sounds Tobin wouldn’t trade it for anything. She loves her family with all her heart. If the present is this amazing she can’t wait to see what the future will hold. 

Four years, and all Tobin can think about is what’s to come.


End file.
